A Dozen of My Favorite Movies

         What makes some movies stick with you for days, weeks, or make your list of favorite movies?  I saw The Help last night, and while it won’t make my list of my favorite movies it certainly is in my mind yet today, and had a lot to say about racism. I liked it very much.  Although a discussion about best movies can go on forever,  these are my top favorites.

1.  My very favorite movie of all time is Dirty Dancing! I was already a huge fan of Patrick Swayze from the mini-series The North and the South. I had no idea he was a dancer until I saw that movie. I remember seeing the movie and feeling high the whole way home. I wanted to watch it again and again! I was pregnant with Sydney at the time - 1988. I think I dragged everyone I knew to see it in the theater with me, and later watched it every day almost once it came out on VHS tape. In hindsight it was a diversion I used to me to keep from worrying about Sydney’s upcoming birth,  and the possibility of having post-partum depression, like I had after Shelbeys'  birth. I do that when I’m worried about something…create a diversion and a movie has always been a great way to escape for me. If I get mad  I’ve been known to storm out of the house and go to a movie. If one movie doesn’t change my state of mind I’ll go to another and by then I’m ready for sleep for sure.The next day everything is a little clearer, and I am ready to tackle the real world I checked out of a few hours, and a bag of popcorn ago!

2.  My second favorite movie is Planes Trains and Automobiles. I am a huge fan of John Candy; he starred in some great movies, such as The Great Outdoors, and Uncle Buck- but  I watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles almost every Thanksgiving. It is funny yes,  but more than that is a good lesson about prejudging people and  remembering what the holiday season is all about.

            3. Who doesn’t love The Notebook…romance, romance and more romance? Ryan Gosling is my favorite young actor, and he has done many good films. I’m still waiting for him to receive nominations and attention he should get. He was in Lars and the Real Girl, Half Nelson and Blue Valentine just recently. I go to anything he’s in just because he’s in it! Some actors play themselves in every role and Ryan Gosling is a different person in almost all of them.

4.  Parenthood I find so true to life, because it covers all the aspects of parenting that can really wear you down on a daily basis, and yet ends with such poignantcy concerning what life be like if not for all the chaos, and the love children bring.  

5.  I liked both the Father of the Bride I and II. Steve Martin was such a natural for those roles along with Dianne Keating, and I loved the story and I decided at the time I want the house in that movie in my next life!  Oh, and let’s not forget the feel good ending!

6.  Saved has a storyline is one that most of us have witnessed. Sometimes those who profess Christianity the most – seem to need the most saving. I loved this movie!

                                   

7.  Dan in Real Life is a movie I watched more than once, saw more than once in theaters, and laughed every single time! I loved that movie and the piano song about the girl with the pig nose just before the double date,  was hilarious!

8.  The Three Amigos was so funny in a silly kind of way back in the day.  I made Sydney watch that one a few months ago, and she liked it too even if she really didn’t want to admit it! Wow, I’m sounding like a big Steve Martin fan here…. I don’t know if I really am or not, but I have liked a lot of his work for sure!

9.  Step Brothers is the only movie I have on my IPod.  Although I’m not a huge fan of Will Ferrell usually this one was funny and one of my favorites as well.

10. The Hangover was one of the funniest movies I’d seen in years! The dentist was  my favorite character. I didn’t find the Hangover II as funny but still liked it!

11. No Strings Attached was my favorite movie I saw last year. Ashton Kucher played quite the romantic!

12. I really liked much of Mel Gibson’s’ work over the years. His last movie was called The Beaver, and it did a good job of translating how being mentally ill affects both the person suffering with the illness and the family immensely.

My list could go on and on, with but these are the movies that come to my mind without a lot of thought or planning. As you can probably tell,  I don’t like scary movies. I don’t call sitting on the edge of my seat and being startled and tense entertainment! I love romantic “chic flicks” or something humorous.

           Part of living my best life this year, is making time for those two hour escapes at the movies, whether that’s at the theater, complete with the 1000 calorie popcorn, or in my living room under the ceiling fan and my electric throw. For those two hours, I lose myself in another life, in another time,  and have some mental rest and relaxation.

     So how about you too pull out a good movie, and plan some rest and relaxation, one of these nights? Everybody needs some down time. 

           

Six Summer Favorites!

Check out my six favorite things this summer!

Sanuk yoga mat flip flops

 Try them, I say…I will not wear anything that is not comfortable and these are the best! Our whole family has them.

Keurig Coffee Pot

The little tea pods are about fifty cents apiece but such a treat! As a tea drinker there is no tea bag to mess with, and its ready in about a minute and just the right temp to drink!  They have great customer service as well!

 Case Logic SLRC-206 SLR Camera and 15.4-Inch Laptop Backpack

I hadn’t gotten a new camera case since the big kids were small. This one has room for everything! Lenses, extra cards, flash and even the tripod. If you have a bigger camera and take it traveling you’ll like it!

The Iphone

After having a droid for two years with nothing but trouble I love this phone! The applications are awesome and free!

Croc Flats

I love crocs, and the flats are cute, light and easy to travel with!


Scentsy Pots and Products

Scentsy has so many flameless pots and scents to make your home, car, locker or whatever you have smell great!

Random thoughts

      

       Have you ever had a thought that reoccurs over and over in your mind over the years?  I’m not OCD or anything so I don’t mean that kind of intrusive constant thoughts. But, for example, my Mother was very attached to the twenty third Psalm in the Bible. She pulled it up anytime she was really troubled, or someone died, or she feared for her own life. She told me while in childbirth when Sonny was born; the doctors kept giving her whiffs of chloroform from some kind of a mask. Shortly after the chloroform was administered she would see bright red and felt like it was flames or something. Frightened, she recited the twenty third Psalm to get through it. I thought I would share my reoccurring thoughts.  

       My main reoccurring thought comes from the Bible.  Mark 8:36 reads, “So what does it profit a man if you gain the whole world and lose your own life”.  If I am tempted be selfish or greedy, this verse always comes up. When I see examples of what greed has done to some people, I say to myself, see there…so what does it profit you if you gain the whole world but it’s morally wrong.  Is it there to keep me on the straight and narrow? It plays in my head all the time. I wonder why that reoccurs to me so often. When I know I’ll let you know ha.

       Another thought I have over and over, is the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have done unto you”.  Basically, it challenges me to behave toward others as I would like to have them behave toward me.  The golden rule is actually written in just about every important ancient book about behavior.  In the Bible, Matthew 7:12 says, “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets”.  The golden rule is also in the Talmud, the Koran, and the Analects of Confucius. It’s a basic human right and one I try to live by and stand up for.

        I always tell my kids “what goes around comes around”, which is a lot like the golden rule I guess, and probably why I like it.  I remember telling a particularly pushy Christian once in a casual conversation, that I believe in Karma, being “what goes around comes around”, and because that has  Buddhist roots, they looked at me like I just said, I am a loyal follower of Satan or something!

         I am affected by more than the Bible as to how I want to live my life; I’m affected by worldly things as well. A good movie can teach me something. Maybe I had never seen a point of view until the movie presents me with one and it sticks with me, changes me.  While reading books, I always keep a yellow highlighter with my book. I highlight what I want to remember, what impacts me. When I’m done reading the book, how much yellow is in the book is the deciding factor in whether I keep it or donate it or pass it on. Song lyrics are other peoples thoughts, and they influence me greatly as well. I’m known for pointing out clever lyrics to whoever will listen to me ha.

        After fifty five years on earth,  I still don’t have concrete answers about exactly what happens to us after death, about am I missing the heaven train if I can’t say I’m born again? Because I can’t, and the whole saved or not saved issue seems almost hoaxy to me.  If that offends anyone I’m sorry, I’m writing this from my own perspective.  If this makes me less Christian to say that, let God judge me.  Is it not enough to be taught to believe in God from the time you were a child, to just grow up believing. I don’t have a testimony because that’s it…I grew up in a Christian family who said our prayers, believed God was in control of the whole world.  I took literally almost everything I learned from the Bible, is it not enough to live your life as fairly, honestly and true to God and yourself that you can? I don’t know all the answers, well heck… I don’t know any answers really, but I do the best I can. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lost spiritually, I don’t need  a “real Christian” knocking on my door or any of that, because I don’t think anyone could convince me they have the answers either. I’m content with my relationship with God and with everyone in my life. Is it perfect no, but it’s real, and it’s honest. I think it was Socrates that said an unexamined life is not worth living. I don’t know about that, it seems rather blissful for someone who thinks all the time…but at least you have some convictions to call your own.

         So about these reoccurring thoughts…I wonder, does everyone have them, or am I just a good listener?

Gifts Are A Good Thing

    “Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift”…. The words to that old song, written in the mid eighteen hundreds, still have a lot to say about gifts. The best gifts are thought out, simple, and freely given. What are your best gifts, and this time not family and things like that, but gifts you have received from someone?

     I have always abhorred the greedy nature that gift giving can take on, especially during Christmas. I don’t understand the whole, “make a list of what you want and I’ll fill the list”, mentality. I never allowed my kids to ask for more than one thing from Santa, and I will admit I kind of steered what they ask for, towards something I knew could get for sure! They used to ask me why they could only ask for one thing when some kids had a list a mile long. I used to explain that Santa only has room in his bag for one thing for each child. That took care of that!

      From Kerry and me, the kids always got about ten gifts each for Christmas. It’s the one time of the year we wanted them to have lots and lots of gifts to open. They were simple things, most of which I’d be buying over the course of the year anyway. I got things like their own packages of six little cereals for breakfast Christmas morning, (we opened our gifts Christmas Eve). They always got a new bed pillow for their beds to sleep extra good that night, a new pair of pajamas which I’d already washed so they were ready to wear to bed, a box or two with some kind of clothes, socks and underwear, their own six pack of soda (k that sounds horrible these days but I did..) and three or four toys that they really wanted. I knew what they really wanted because I spent a lot of time with them and I knew what each one really liked.

       Now that the kids are grown, I try to go with a theme of some sort. One year I got them all snowboard gear and we went snowboarding. The big kids hadn’t gone skiing or snowboarding since high school Luther league and Sydney had gone quite a few times but always rented her stuff. The next year I got them all six man tents, and they have all had a good time with them. I don’t know what they need anymore, so I still like to surprise them with some experience. I usually give them several small things leading up to the big one. For example, the camping year first they all got flashlights, camping forks, tent lights and several other little things moving up to a couple sleeping bags and the tent was the grand finale ha... They loved it! No one asks for any of it, or had any idea what they were getting, but they all loved it. This year they already know they are getting a cruise to the Bahamas! I just told Kerry last night the reason we got it so cheap was probably because October is hurricane season! I didn’t do my homework there. So hopefully that won’t happen.

       Some of my favorite gifts I have gotten have been a walking doll with blue frosted haired when I was ten from my parents. My horse Cowboy Clark from my Dad when I was eleven which was a total surprise!

      Probably one of the most unusual Christmas gifts I got from Mom was her own jewelry she bought herself as a souvenir from Hawaii.  She’d already worn them for about ten years. We didn’t know the extent of her Alzheimer’s and she gave me her coral/silver earrings complete with ear gunk from her ears still on them! I looked at my sister Kathy, like what in the heck? Then Kathy opened hers and got a similar turquoise set. We talked about it later, and wondered what was she thinking? Did she think she bought them for us and really forget she wore them for ten years? Is she worried about spending money at Christmas and knew they were hers? We hated to take them even.  What was going on in her mind we wondered? These days I can’t bring myself to wear those earrings in case I lose them, because I realize now, it was the beginning of the end for Mom.

      Kerry gave me a wooden paper towel rack once and I didn’t even know what it was...I still have it sitting by my toaster. It has traveled with me because he put thought into that. Not the most romantic thing but something we needed when we didn’t have a lot of money to spend on Christmas. My other favorite gift from Kerry was a new Bible one year. I was struggling with depression and he got me the newest version of the bible to replace my old King James with Elvis glued in the cover. Kerry wrote a whole page in the front cover about hoping it helps.

       When Brendon was in about the third grade he and I went to Minot with my friend and her son, who was his friend. The boys went shopping for us and we sat under the big clock in the center of the mall where we could watch the boys going from store to store. Brendon chose the prettiest black tiger eyes earrings for that Christmas Eve, and I still can see him in the jewelry store buying them. When Brendon was sixteen he got his first job at Kings Food Host as a bus boy.  For my birthday he bought me a hundred something dollar stereo for my birthday, which I kept for years long after it stopped working. I loved the stereo but the generosity he showed meant so much, because at sixteen you sometimes wonder if the kids even like you at all.

       Shelbey always bought me crystal from Home of Economy when Mom took her shopping for me when she was young. She would get in the store and be taken in by the crystal under the store lights. Another year she chose a gemstone bracelet from Penney’s and got the other kids to go in on the purchase. I saved it and she wanted me to wear it = so I did one day. We stopped to get gas. I was out pumping the gas and she was sitting in the car on the passenger side. I forgot about the step up cement block, and right in the middle of a sentence to her, I tripped and fell.  I slapped my wrist down on the pavement about ninety miles an hour bending all the prongs and messing up the bracelet!  She couldn’t stop laughing because I was there one minute and out of sight on the ground the next! Just call me Grace! Last year she sent me flowers in Minot after a rough time with Kerry and shocked me but good!

        Sydney loves to get me Brighton’s jewelry. I love each one she has gotten me. The girls got me an angel necklace and earrings from there when I had my hysterectomy. Because Sydney is with me a lot yet, she pays attention to what I am into at the time and gets me that. I got a pretty pink and blue necklace from Target that she saw me admire once and went back and got it. I’m still a jewelry freak, even though I make it now.  

         My favorite gift from Marcy was my scrapbook she made for my fiftieth birthday. Where she found time to make a big fat scrapbook while babysitting her Grandkids at the same time I have no idea! My favorite gift from Kathy was all the children’s books she and her family gave me last year. Although the Dept. 56 Halloween houses she gets me I love too.  

       Gifts are not about the expense of them, it’s about the thought put into them and whether it’s freely given from the heart. “Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift”….

How Do You Measure Your Life?

　
     How will you measure your life? When you get to be my age (fifties), most of us that try to live a mindful life, start to come up with some sort of a measuring stick. I’ve heard it said that you either look back on your life with accomplishment or with regret.


     For a lot of people life and everything else it seems, is measured by money, money, money! Money can buy power, fame, lifestyle, and prestige. Sometimes money can even buy other people. I venture to say most people measure by money first, and foremost. I grew up in a family that was all about money. Sometimes it felt like money took precedence over people. “What does that cost“? “What did you have to give for that“? From that, I adopted my theory that money is just paper we use to get what want in life. I value what money can do, but people are first. It seems a lot of older people get almost obsessed about money…God, please spare me that down the road?


     Being the richest man in the world does not guarantee you are the happiest man in the world, by any measurement. Money beyond my family’s immediate needs has never been high on my lists of priorities. It’s important for security yes, but I could care less about how that moves me up, having to do with what people think of me. Some of the best people I know are the poorest, and some of the greediest people I know are the richest.

     How much success did you have in your career? Depending on which career, we use different measuring sticks. If you’re an athlete its all about awards, a writer wants a best seller, an singer a Grammy etc. If you have put all your eggs in the motherhood basket like I did, you measure what kind of people have we raised? I feel very proud of the people Kerry and I raised. They are all down to earth, sensitive (maybe a little too much so even), kind, caring, good people. They accept everyone, and support and love each other. We have had problems like everyone else but when you know better you do better and that’s all anyone can do.


     How am I doing compared to other people my age? Don’t you think that’s one of the most common measurements? This is a really flimsy measurement tool, because to many times we let other people measure our success. People can be so insensitive about making what others do for a career choice their business, and even being brass enough to comment on it.


     Sydney and I talk about this. She meets insensitive people all the time that say things like, “so this is what you want to do with your life…cut hair“? “Are you going to college for something“? She’s even had people tell her she could have done so much more with her life. It causes her to question herself, rather than pat herself on the back for going to a free technical program college that you could do while you were in high school if you had enough credits, had high enough grades, and followed a strict set of attendance rules etc. She can make as much in a day as someone with a four year degree and has no school loans to pay off. That money doesn’t come easy however. Doing hair is hard work - hard, hard work! People don’t think about holding your arms up most of the day, all the bending while doing shampoos, chapped hands and standing on your feet all day. It’s a hard job, but she balances that with the friendships she makes with her clients, and loves visiting and meeting new people and she’s good at it! Some would rather see her graduate from a 4 year college with a bunch of college loans and no job, than give her credit for doing what she’s done and does. I say if you are doing what you love to do, whether it’s the surgeon or the nurses assistant, you have already succeeded in your life, and it is after all, it’s your life.


     Regard, how do people regard me? I use that to measure my life to some extent. I really, care about what people think of me, but I care more what I think of me. I remember telling someone who said they don’t like me that, “I don’t care if you do or don’t like me…I live my life by my own moral compass”. I can honestly say I am never rude to anyone. I have the same regard for every person in this world…and I want the people that know me to hold me in positive regard, but I can’t be everything to everyone either. When I look in the mirror I like the internal person I am for the most part, it’s the outside I fight with mostly. I can easily fall into a self hate thing so that’s why I try to be like a duck and let the negative things roll off my back ( ok so I quack about em’ for awhile first!)


      My favorite measure of my success is, staying true to myself at the end of the day. I am sure above all, that God lays out a path, and it’s… your path, not someone else’s! He gave you talents and gifts to use in your own way, so comparing yourself with someone else is a waste of time, and kind of an insult to our Maker. I am thankful for my successes and pray for help, for my weak areas. No ones life that I know of, is all wild success with no failure. I have less regrets than accomplishments, so that tips the scale to success in my mind and… in my mind is all that matters. How do you measure your life?

Five Things You Would Like Back

    

       Would you have an answer for me if I ask you to name five things that you have lost or given away that you can never get back?  I really want some feedback on this one; I hope if you read this, you will give me some. 

      I don’t have a lot of regrets or “wish I would haves”, I really don’t. I have always lived on the edge pretty much, trying to have everyone in the family have every experience that I thought was worth a sacrifice all along the way.  Since I was a girl, I lived with the knowledge that life can end on an ordinary day when you least expect it. I learned that October 16, 1967, on a typical school day.  I decided that day in the back seat, on the passenger side,  of a four door,  navy blue,  Impala, that we should grab the brass ring the first time it comes around in case that’s the only time it comes around in our lifetime.  I was dumbfounded by the news that my father had died about two o’clock earlier that afternoon.

       So my answers would be that: one material thing I gave away was all my trophies and ribbons I won in horse shows and rodeos for barrel racing, pole bending and trail class.  I tried some other events but they had pretty laughable endings. The weird thing is I just threw the trophies in the trash, a year ago when I cleaned out Moms house that had all my junk in it from when I moved here.  At the point of cleaning out her house, I was so overwhelmed with “STUFF” that I was just sick of cleaning. There was thirty years’ worth of a whole families “things” crammed in that house! I saved one trophy and two belt buckles and threw out the rest. My thinking was, I have no space for things I don’t need. I told myself, “I don’t need these or even have a place to display them, that was then and this is now…can’t take em’ with you Pam so pitch it”! I don’t wish I had kept them either - just taken a photo of them before the final pitch!

      Something I’m happy I gave away that I can’t get back is -  the time I spent cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, being a room mother….being “just a stay at home wife and mother”. I knew I didn’t have the constitution with my anxiety and sleep problems, to be able to hold down and full time job and do a good job taking care of kids, and a house and not be a “basket case” trying to be good at all of it. Kerry didn’t have the patience or the willingness to help much with the kids either, so for us it was best that he worked away from home and I took care of the house and kids. I’m happy I can’t get it back because I don’t have the energy for all that now, but I enjoyed all the work it was,  and being there for  every little thing and every big thing the kids did.  

        I really don’t know if I have any regrets about passing up the chance to go to college at eighteen or not. I used to say I did,  and maybe still do some,  but I enjoyed college a lot when I was older and I don’t know if I would have when I was eighteen. However, it always bothered me that I only had a high school diploma and I did lose the college experience being married so young - so that’s something I lost for sure. I have my moments of wishing I were more successful at something…I just don’t want it to interfere with my life ha!

           Another thing that I lost that I wish I could get back is my brown and white agate ring.  It was the only real ring I got from my Dad and I let my boyfriend at the time wear it on a chain. He got mad at me on a motorcycle ride, jerked the chain off and threw the ring in the pasture…I hunted and hunted but never found it. I’d like to have that back.

            I also lost some rings back when I was driving back and forth from ND. to AZ.  I had taken Ambien, a sleeping medication I took when I absolutely had to sleep, and it has an amnesia effect.  I left my rings in a hotel in Santa Fe, NM.  And of course no one found them. I still can barely talk about it or forgive myself. It was a ring I got when Kerry and I went to Jamaica that had my Mom’s birthstone in it, and my 25^th anniversary ring.   Ah, enough about that, I get panic stricken thinking about it! So that’s my five things I lost or gave away.

         I know a lot of people, myself included, are thinking of all the loss in Minot right now with the massive flooding they are having there.  We would all love to have that back.  It’s hard to keep your mind on anything else, even for us who are far from it, when you love Minot. How can you see those homes and businesses underwater, and not feel loss and sadness for the community, and the good people that live there.

       North Dakota people are some of the hardest working, honest, humble, people in the United States. They are emotionally tough, and conditioned to adverse weather, but this is (pardon my choice of words), over the top, even for them!

         My hope for Minot, is for those of us with homes high and dry, or out of state, is to open our hearts and resources to those who are displaced and watching their homes and businesses fill up with water. This is a loss that we can get back with some unity, some brotherly love and some patience. If anyone can rebuild the magic the Minot people can, especially with some help!

                          minotredcross.org

What Is Your Personal Truth?



Me in 1973

                                                                 

           People ask me how I think of things to write about?  Mostly,  they just seem come to me.  I’m not trying to write about extraordinary events, I want to write about the ordinary, about the everyday. I try to find things others can relate to.  I want to challenge myself to live better, take better care of myself, keep myself out of the depression I have struggled with a lot in my life… and I want to challenge you to be your best self too.  Today, I want to ask you what is your personal truth?

            I watched the opening episode of Finding Sarah, about Sarah Ferguson on Oprah’s new network.  Sarah had a long talk with Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil can take things a little too far at times probably, but I think he has been blessed with one of the greatest gifts of my generation. He knows how to lay it on the line and tell it like he sees it, and leave it there.  Even when I don’t agree with him, I still think he has a great gift and respect him tremendously.  

            He told Sarah, “Everyone has a public persona ( we put on makeup, comb our hair, dress up and put our best foot forward), but on the other hand, we also have personal truth. Our personal truth is what we, "really believe about ourselves when nobody is looking or listening, except us". In the deepest part of us, this personal truth is what we truly believe about ourselves. He followed that with, “we generate in our life what we think we deserve, and if we have a damaged personal truth (which personally, I think we all have some damage somewhere), we generate results that match that”.

          I saved that segment of that show, because I think it’s one of the most important things I’ve probably ever heard. Phil stated, “When we grow up people write on the slate of who we are. Parents, teachers, other children, aunts, uncles for example, define who we think we are.  We have no choice about that, but what’s really tragic, is when they put the pen down, and we pick it up and keep writing and, we write the same thing as they had been writing.  It’s not what really happens in our lives… it’s about what we say to ourselves about what happened in our lives. This is so true for me.



These 2 pics were taken by my Mom



My bracelet in hand...Carnival Queen

        














            I will give you a personal example of people writing on my slate and me, not only believing it but carrying it around for many, many years.  When I was in high school, I was crowned Carnival Queen when I was a junior in high school. This was our school’s version of Homecoming Queen.  Every girls dream right? I was one of four girls nominated by our classmates to be on the court for carnival queen.  Three of us were junior girls, and the only Sr. girl in her class, and my best friend in Palermo school was the other girl. We always had a huge school carnival, Tickets were sold and a table with decorated coffee cans with everyones name who was on the court to cast your vote for you favorite candidate.  on them.

        I think everyone expected Charli to win. Charli was the sexy girl in our school and popular as well.  Me in comparison, was more the Rosie O' Donnell type (minus the anger ha). I was chubby, but not nearly as chubby as I already believed I was, humorous and friendly .  I tried to be nice to everyone and stuck up for the kids others kicked out. I have never liked mean people even back then.

        When it was announced that I had won and I was crowned queen,  I was so happy, somewhat out of body estatic even...for maybe 60 minutes. As a coronation gift we received an inscribed ID bracelet with Carnival Queen 1971 on the back of it, I was supposed to bring it back to have my name put on it on Monday when I came to school. I remember after winning, I left the school with my boyfriend.  Sitting in my boyfriend’s car in front of the school, I shared with him how happy I was to be deemed popular, because self-esteem was always an issue for me.  Although I always felt like I had friends and people liked me, you always wonder what your real place is.

         By the time I got home from the carnival, my Mom had gotten home from her sister’s house, who had teenagers my age, had been at the carnival, went to the same school,  and I was about to find out how fast being on the top floor of in an elevator can quickly crash to the bottom! Mom's sisters teenagers had come home while Mom was at thier house,  and reported that people were saying, Charli (the Sr. girl) should have won, and that my boyfriend at the time must have “stuffed the ticket box” and that was the only reason I won!

         I was devastated, and devastated isn’t even a big enough word!  I went to bed feeling horrible. The next morning, I opened my eyes to the cold October wind blowing outside. Inside I was as cold as it was outside. I looked at the black bracelet box on my nightstand. I reached out and pulled it under the covers with me where it was warm. Opening it, I starred at it for what felt like an hour before I even touched it. It wasn't pretty like it was last night, it wasn't cherished like it was last night.  I tried it on my wrist one last time. I decided it was all a cruel joke this bracelet thing and unclasp it.  Swiftly I threw back the covers, thundered down the stairs, took it out to the burn barrel in my pajamas and flung it in.

            I cried all weekend off and on, but couldn't even bring myself to tell anyone how I felt but Mom. I had to pretend to be happy I won. I wanted to hide on Monday when school started. Humiliated, I just knew nobody wanted me to win. 

      I wrote and rewrote that incident on my slate of who I was for many, many years. In my mind, I was the fat carnival queen, with the crazy boyfriend, who didn’t deserve to be crowned in the first place.

Our Superintendent, Jr Class Press and me Sr Class President

Paper Editor ( I always loved to write)

             One day not more than ten years ago,  I found my old year books. I started looking through them. Gee, I thought, I was in the books a lot for not being in sports!  Hmmm, here I was a class officer as a junior, here I am the high school paper editor, with a whole team under me…. and finally, the PRESISDENT, yes the president of our class my senior year! There I was sitting at the administration table with the junior class president ready to give our speeches on our banquet night.  Could it be that I wasn’t as unpopular as I'd thought all these years? I had almost totally pulled away from Palermo kids after that experience and hung out with kids from neighboring towns, convinced they didn't like me and not trusting my feelings about who did and who didn't.

        Looking at these annuals now, I kept reasoning with myself, and treating myself like I would anyone else. I ask myself,  how if I was so unpopular, did I get nominated to the court in the first place? So what if my boyfriend had bought tickets, even a lot of tickets, and put them in the can and I won because of it? Couldn’t that happen any year, and probably had (alot of girls who'd won before me had boyfriends at the carnival, did i really think they didn't vote for their girlfriend)? Isn’t that the purpose of selling tickets..... to put in the cans? Besides, I was one of those spoiled kids who could always talk my Mom into having the car in high school! I had the car a lot and went to all the area small towns to hang out with different friends.  By that I mean I was in Stanley, Kenmare, Plaza , little surrounding towns and knew alot of area kids.  I didn’t just stay around Palermo like Charli, whose parents were stricter and made her stay home more. I knew a lot of people who knew me. Charli never held this carnival queen thing against me, and our friendship stayed the same.   

            I’m not kidding when I say it took me a good thirty years to find peace with that whole experience. I'm not saying I dwelled on it for thirty years...but it came to my mind here and there. Why my Mom ever chose to tell me that, I don’t know. Maybe she wanted me to hear it from her rather than in school. Why I chose to believe I was THAT unpopular I don't know, because I always had friends and always had a boyfriend.  It shows my damaged personal truth and low self-esteem.  

        We had bullying in schools back then to, and I know somehow there were no pictures of me as Carnival Queen in the 1972 school annual. In 1973 there was a full page spread with everyone on the court and the winners from that year as every other year, but I was covered up passing on the crown by someone else...coincidence? I think not, like I said we had jealous bullies then too and that exclusion added to my ideas about myself.             I know it sounds trivial compared to more major traumas, but I'm sharing it because it shows that its not so much what happens to us but what we say to ourselves about what happens to us. This explains people’s ability to overcome horrific things or crumble over small things doesn’t it?

         Even if people did say the box was stuffed, (and i still think they did say it). I also think some people on the annual staff purposely left out pictures of me in the annuals as well. But that's their problem not mine. None of them on the annual staff those two years ever made king or queen themselves, so if thats what they had to do to tear someone down, so be it. I wish I could say it didn't tear me down or what they did to hurt me didn't work,  but it did. All I can do now is hope to help the next person see where bully problems come from. The bullies themselves have the problems. 
    
      

Giving the crown away the next year

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Mom took these again of passing the crown.

                In the scope of life, this is trivial, but I think this is common, that we have heard or been told something  about ourselves that we totally believed and take in hook, line and sinker! We swallow the whole thing!  It isn’t necessarily true or even if part of it is true, it’s been blown out of proportion and magnified.

        I looked at all of us graduates today in my year book, looking for some pictures for this blog. None of us in that year or any other, is any better than anyone else. We were all ordinary kids, that lived ordinary lives, did some extraordinary things, and some everyday things. Experienced some high highs, and survived some low lows. None of us are special and then again, all of us are special.

             To change what we are telling ourselves we have to become aware of what we are thinking in the first place, and then ask yourself if this is real or imagined? I don’t think I ever really examined anything I heard about myself - I just believed it. Now, I hear it, examine it, and give myself the same treatment I would give someone else, and try to put myself on the same page with other people in my life.
     
              I think most of us could use a little work on our personal  truth, but at the same time I don’t want to live my life analyzing every thought or action, because I have fun to have, things to experience and places to enjoy. Join me, lets just check out our pasts in the rear view mirror...it looks much better with some distance and a whole lot of dust from where your going now!  

Guilty Pleasures

           Say someone asks you, “What are your ten guilty pleasures”? How much thinking would you have to do to come up with ten, or is ten just the tip of the ice berg? Personally, I have quite a few and enjoy EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!  

My Tea This Morning

      The first one that comes to my mind is tea. I love hot black tea. I start and end my day, every day, with a cup of tea. I’m fussy about my tea too. For starters, I drink mine in a clear, glass, BIG mug! I use only distilled water so it’s nice and clear. No cloudy tea for me.  Here’s the really sinful, guilty part… I really love real, white, not so good for you, sugar in it …and like 2 tbsp! Celestial Seasonings English breakfast tea is my favorite, followed by Lipton’s Orange Spice black tea.

The Drip Pot Like Mom Used To Make Tea

             My love of tea started when Mom used to make tea for supper once in a while, when we were kids in her old aluminum drip coffee pot. She would add loose tea to the basket of the pot and pour boiling water from the bottom of the pot through the basket. Then she would pour the perfectly steeped tea into glass cups with saucers. That was fine dining at our house!  Kathy and I only got a half of a cup as it would “stunt our growth”! The white sugar bowl with the silver trim that was a staple in the center of the table, was readily available to sugar my tea up to my liking.  By the way it did not stunt my growth, but rather, widened my girth if anything!

        My second guilty pleasure is my heated throw. I think I have had about six already, cuz i must have a new one if they stop working! When my legs hurt or back aches or I just want to be cozy…I love my heated throw. I love that throw summer or winter, but obviously more in the winter. When my bones ache I love to turn it on and recline my chair and cook until I’m medium rare…then I kick it all off and complain about how hot I am…till I’m cold again in fifteen minutes and then start the cooking process all over !

         Third, I love my DS scrabble game, I play it almost every night before I fall asleep. The secret is I play the computer, but only on level five because if I play on level six it beats me every time!  I like a close game but getting my pants beat off before I go to bed isn’t relaxing or sleep inducing ha…ticks me off when he uses all his letters and scores an extra fifty points, on a word I’m not even sure is a word!

          Fourth, I love old jewelry, especially old pins. I have collected them for years, before it became fashionable and before they were “vintage”. I love putting on an old pin, and wondering who the little lady was, who wore this to church one Sunday and sang off tune to every hymn,  or maybe she received it for a gift from her children or husband. I imagine her to be happy with how much I love and care for her beautiful baubles, each in their own little plastic compartment. I love all jewelry, but the older the better…well,... other than Brighton’s - that’s my favorite store, and I take all the new stuff from there I can get ha!

        

Weezy...Lil Wayne

   Fifth is my love of Lil Wayne’s music…its creative, its raw, its filthy some of it, but I just love his voice, his creativity and his life story! He’s a pot smoker, drinks purple codine cough syrup from a styrofoam cup,  talks about women in a trashy way... but  I think the guy is a genius, for real. When he was in prison for gun charges, or maybe it was drug charges, Sydney and I were walking by Hot Topic and they had Free Weezy mug shot shirts, two for the price of one. We both got one but, Syd encouraged me to, "just wear mine around the house"! I was like, "yes I know,  do you think I’ve totally lost my mind"?…but I do wear my free Weezy shirt around the house with my flannel pants. Like Larry the Cable guy says, "Lord I Apologize”!

This one is my Grandma Bruhn ha.

         Sixth, is my collection of Nana’s Family Dolls. They are resin dolls made by Annie Wahl. They were commissioned by Richard Simmons ( not a fan of him but liked the dolls), and are all retired now.  I have given them names after people  I have known in my life. I take great joy in my dolls. I find as I get older the more I love my things!



Sisters





          Seventh is taking pictures. I love to take pictures, especially if I can get a cooperative subject that isn’t acting spunky and hissing like my lil roommate Sydney Nicole does. If I want to take her picture it has to be short and sweet and she has final say about the delete button on the camera! Oh and I can’t post them either!

          Eighth is a relaxing bath, I long for a nice big tub one day. Where we live now has a nice walk in shower in the master bedroom and a little dinky bathtub in the main bathroom lined with Sydney’s shampoos, conditioners and razors etc. It’s a hazard to try and take a bath in there, between slipping around on the spilled conditioner and all the razors I just shower but I miss my baths. 

            Reality TV is number nine on the guilty pleasure list. I love them all! American Idol, DWTS, Teen Mom, The Real World, the Housewives of whatever city, The Jersey Shore, …you name it I tape it, and fast forward thru parts I don’t like or am not interested in which is pretty much just the commercials!



A great view...and a better feeling

           Number ten is my horse. I love spending time with him. He really is a guilty pleasure because he’s not a Chihuahua to keep and feed ha…I also have a human cat named Bentley, and a Chihuahua named Papi…they all add pleasure and friendship  and love to my life.  My horse has been a real gift to me from me and I wake up in the morning wanting to go hang out with him…and wait to see him every day.

     

     Crocs, are pushing me over ten! I love Crocs..I don't care who says what about them..I love them! Never again am I putting my feet in anything uncomfortable. I especially love the flats...they are cute (in my opinion) with anything! The bright colors are a huge turn off, but you don't have to go with those. I'll share my favorites!



          My last guilty pleasure is being in Phoenix. I am a gypsy with two homes…I love North Dakota , but I want to live here…here where the weather is warm and sunny, where my kids are, where Marcy and her family are, here where there are endless things to do. I enjoy going to Minot when I do, and that will always be my true hometown, but this is the home I got to choose and I love it here. The guilty part is that Kerry is still in ND and would rather have me there, for the first day or so anyway and then we start locking horns about the simplest things. By the time he joins us here I hope we have lost any animosity and just become one. One can dream, ha!

           That's twelve already, I told you I could think of a bunch! The important thing is, since I’ve turned fifty five, I gave up guilt, and I think you should too. Name your pleasure, name your poison, live your life and love everything in it. It can only add sparkle and happiness!