Friday, December 31, 2010

Heading into 2011

    Don't we all have thoughts and resolutions looking at a new year? This year I'm going to...this year I’m NOT going to....? I don’t like the word resolution, it kind of pulls up failure right behind it in my head, so lets just say these are some of my "thoughts" for 2011.

    I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is coincidental. If you knew me well you would know that I, like many of you, have struggled with more than my fair share of trials this last few years. Off and on all day and especially in bed at night I have been asking myself what am I going to do with each one of them? What am I going to do with me so I can handle them differently? How can I can be happy in the mist of problems I can't change. Because I honestly haven’t been very happy with much for quite awhile - hence the dreary rainy page right now.

     I got the most unique Christmas gift this year from my sister Kathy and her two kids. Three childrens books. I'm fifty five years old, and of course my first reaction was I don't even have grandchildren to read childrens books to. Kathy however is fully with it, and rarely gives a gift with no meaning so I can't say I was too concerned just curious. I'm sure my face was puzzled and bewildered looking as I wondered what is this supposed to mean? The first book was from Kathy, my sister. It was titled "And She Sparkled". It was about a little girl who was born with sparkle, danced and sang. She loved being herself. Somewhere along the way she became an adult and she lost the Sparkle. In the middle of the book she's in a dark place but eventually finds her sparkle again at the end of the book. Kathy wrote in the cover of it, “It’s Your Time to Sparkle”. And it's not my resolution, remember I hate that word but its a goal for not only 2011 but the rest of my life.

     Tiffany, Kathy’s daughters book was about when you get down to remember that God always believes in you, when you feel alone, God believes in you and all the times that you think its just you in the mess, God is with you. I've been a Lutheran all my life and love my Lutheran heritage. There’s a Lutheran Church up on a hill back in North Dakota where I was born and raised and when it was built they had English services one Sunday and Norwegian the next. That’s how my parents met. My Mother on the English side and my father on the Norwegian side. Over the years however life has made me what I call spiritual in that without my belief that God is leading the way, trying to teach me something in all these less than happy things,  I would not have survived. So Tiffanys book was really fitting for me too right now, because when you get down you don't want to go to church or anywhere else. One thing I know for sure, is when you least feel like doing something or going somewhere is when you need to the most.

     Spencer, Kathy’s 20 year old sons book was a funny one about an affectionate Aunt that always came and kissed her little nephew whether he wanted to be or not. It was a game with them, she'd find him and kiss him and he always ran away from her! Later when she wasn’t there to kiss him anymore, he missed her and when her car pulls up he goes out and kisses her. Spencer wrote in the front page, “this book reminds me of our relationship…I love and miss you”.

This year I'm going to try to not over think things because it causes me unhappiness, and is contributing to my sadness. I’m also focusing on being aware that in real love respect and honor are there, and I’m not going to accept less of either of those than I deserve anymore from ANYONE. I'm going to love myself more instead of waiting for somebody else to provide what I need or feel they owe me. And I don't mean in a monetary way I mean treat myself with kindness and put myself on the same page as I put the rest of my family. At 55, its time to laugh at the things that have stained me with insecurity and fear along the way, and stand my own ground. Its not going to be easy but I’m going to work at it this year! But its not a resolution remember!

    I invite you to comment, give me ideas, help me see things I may be missing.