Grief is a funny thing, I hardly spoke of her or cried about it or anything thing for a long time. Shelbey used to say Mom, I think something is weird about that....but I had promised Mom in a lucid (well I thought I was) conversation with her that I would be ok. I was the fragile child, the nervous one who she had to mother the most. I told her one day that I would be ok, that all of us kids would be ok somehow with our families to help us through it, and she should worry about her. So I think i felt obligated to be ok, cuz I promiced I would. At first I kept busy with Brendon's surgury and Shelbeys wedding, but then once I got to Phoenix and was dealing with what happened to Sydney, and peoples opinions about where I should or shouldnt be, I just shut down. I would sit on the computer and travel the information highway all day every day just going from subject to subject. Or I would play my Ipod in my ears even while I was on the computer. I did that for about four years; I never paid the bills, I never answered the phone. Then the dam burst and the floods came! Inside I felt like that tusunami looks these days on tv. I felt like i was broken and battered and in ruins. Any little thing overwhelmed me. I don't know how Sydney and Marcy put up with me somedays.
I got my sandbags out finally, and shored up my edges while I worked on my insides. The water is calmer and the debri and ugly sludge I have from sitting here like a stump for so long is getting manageable. There's green poking out, signs of happiness and spring.
I'm not gonna lie that was probably the dumbest, impulsive, promise I ever made...and the hardest one I had to keep. But I know there is nothing Mom would want more, than me getting healthier... she hated that I was overweight all my life. She would want me to be happy and take life as it comes...you don't have to be fearless you just have to keep going. She did that well and I can too.
My Mom passed away March 14,2003. I wanted you to know my Mom if you didnt; or remember her with a pleasant smile if you did.