Have you ever had a friendship you thought would never, ever end but it did? Instant death too, I’m talking about. Not the typical, “we drifted apart when she had children and I didn’t”. Not, “I moved” or “she moved”… nothing like that. I had a twenty year friendship that ended that way, twenty something years ago. She disappeared out of my life, and it’s a cold case file. Out of the blue, she just wouldn’t come to the phone, wouldn’t call me back, wouldn’t answer my cards and letters I sent asking, and finally begging, her to tell me what was wrong?
I have no enemies that I know of. Oh, I have people who don’t like me for whatever reason, I’m sure. I don’t stay mad long, and I try and work out disagreements that inevitably happen between people. If you absolutely can't work with someone you just have to let it go, because some people just like to bitch and fight. That's not me. When they can’t be worked out, I can easily “agree to disagree” and respect their side of what you don’t see eye to eye on. Oh I am "set in my ways" like Mom would say and I choose to keep my own opinion without winning them over. For me to be cut off from someone, so important to my everyday life, was much like a divorce, although maybe those of you who’ve had one of those, are thinking and rightfully so, “ya right”! But it really was like a stranger than life case you see on TV. You know where the person goes missing. Someone you’d least expect to do that. They never get in contact with you. There’s no ending, no answers and no justice.
I grieved the loss of her like a divorce or death. I ask her family, my family, our mutual friends what should I do to fix what I didn’t know was broken? I must have done something horrendous, but what, I ask myself? Why don’t I get a chance to at least defend what I did… if I did something, said something, didn’t do something, or should have done something! Whatever it was I blamed myself, I obviously did something!
I comforted her after she lost a baby, she comforted me when I had a miscarriage, we shared all our sons t-ball games, baseball games, proms, school programs, girls nights out, birthday parties. One of the nicest cards I’d ever gotten in my life I got from this her, with a whole page written about how much she depended on my friendship. I just threw it away, last time I was in Minot. It took me that many years to part with it.
I went through all the stages of grief, and then anger. Anger, that she would do this to my kids too. Make them question what friends are, and drop out of their lives. I’d move forward in grief and then fall back to feeling sorry for myself. Self-remorse, self-hatred that was always my mantra for everything wrong in my life. Whatever I must have done or said haunted me.
If you are going through grief for any kind of loss, the stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. (I rationalized something must be going on with her husband, he never did like me, the fat friend.)
2-Anger-"why me?" or feelings of wanting to fight back, or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss if it’s one you’re expecting, but can happen after the loss as well. Attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to stay come back.
4-Depression -overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self-pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams.
5-Acceptance - there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone.
I finally chalked it up to insanity. I reviewed everything I tried to do. I contacted her probably six times. I decided, I did all I can do. I finally cut the string and let the hot air she’d filled me with float away. I turned my goal toward my own personal growth. Not going to say I don’t have a scar there on my tree trunk because I do, but I’m ok with it.
Strange thing is this friend had a history of not talking to her family members for years at a time, but I never thought she’d do that to me! Isn’t that bizarre in hindsight that I didn’t think she’d do it to me? Don’t you have to do something? She has a sister she hasn’t spoken to for years. Maybe you are thinking, what was I thinking, being friends with her in the first place? But she was a well-liked, respected person and has a lot of people duped into thinking she is sincere.
She would leave comments under my face book comments, because we know a lot of the same people. I blocked her so I don’t even see her name. Then she contacted my kids to be Facebook friends. Feels a little like having some screws turned into you, one crank at a time.
I have never let myself that close to any girlfriend again, nor do I want to. And I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but I prefer my sisters and my kids company. Actually that was kind of the end of girlfriends for me. I’m the jilted lover that stayed single ha. I have some friends, but I keep myself an arm’s length away. I feel somewhat unchristian like saying I don’t want her back in my comfort zone, but I don’t. I don’t want an apology, I don’t want to see her name and I don’t want to hear about her. For years I was asked about her every time I ran into people. If I unexpectedly bump into her sometime, I have no idea how I’ll feel or act. Like I said I like everyone… so it’s new territory for me not to just be friendly.
After twenty years it is not as painful as it once was. I used to want an explanation, then an apology and even though I feel she owes me that… I don’t want it now. I have higher standards for myself these days! I have been schooled for 17 seasons of Dr. Phil and listened he said, “when someone shows you what they are the first time, believe it”! I tell my kids that all the time. I am taking the advice I’d give my kids if they were in this situation, which would be “stay away, you don’t need to be brought down by mean girls. I don’t either.
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
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