40 Things I'll Never Do

After being on this earth a good many years already, there are a few things I KNOW I won't be doing if I can help it!

1. Sleep on the hard floor. Nope... I like my 4" memory foam and eight or nine pillows! The last time Shelbey stayed here she slept with me and I was just dozing off when she piped up with do you have any flatter pillows? I laughed and said look around...I'm sure one of these is flat ha.

2. Appear on the Naked and Afraid TV Show. Seeing myself naked makes me afraid...I got a show all my own!

3. Go to "hot yoga", or hot anything. Don't like hot!

4. Run a marathon...I'm too damn lazy.

5. Make others more important than myself, I did that for years and I'm done with that. I keep myself        on the same page as others.

6. Go on a roller coaster, did that for the kids a few times but I really hate them.

7. Sit through a scary movie in the name of entertainment.

8. Smoke cigarettes. Been there did that.

9. Have a baby, I'm a bigger wuss these days so it's a good thing I'm past my prime ha.

10. Wear a bikini, I might lose it.

11. Hunt an animal. Although if the neighbor's chickens keep jumping the fence so my dogs kill them and theres blood, guts and feathers all over I might hunt a neighbor...(THIS IS A JOKE)

12. Stop loving my children.

13. Be the quiet type

14. be a Kathy Griffin fan...DO NOT LIKE HER

15. Choose a Pepsi over a Coke

16. Topple around in high heels. I prefer my hips not broken.

17. Ice skate... my ankles fold up like a house of cards.

18.  Buy underwear at a Thrift store

19. Believe a man that says, "go ahead I'm listening".

20. Dig my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carve my name into his leather seat, take a Louisville slugger to both head lights, and slash all four tires. 


21. Get a sex change. 

22. Date somebody twice my age ha..

23. Wear cheap tight shoes

24. Attend clown school

25. Stick my head out of a dressing room and say to the clerk, "this is a mile too big, you wanna grab me a size 2"?

26. Have washboard abs

27. Take a pole dancing class

28. Wear a tube top..thank me later

29. Start a fist fight

30. Put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving

31. Crowd surf

32. Mud wrestle

33. Single space my Christmas letter

34. Eat a Jalepeno

36. Win a video game

37. Get Married

38. Watch a concert from someones shoulders!

39. Work in a butterball processing plant.

40. Not get annoyed when you don't answer someone fast enough and they say, "HELLO"?? Welcome to my shit list when that happens.