Saturday, January 23, 2016

40 Things I'll Never Do



After being on this earth a good many years already, there are a few things I KNOW I won't be doing if I can help it!

1. Sleep on the hard floor. Nope... I like my 4" memory foam and eight or nine pillows! The last time Shelbey stayed here she slept with me and I was just dozing off when she piped up with do you have any flatter pillows? I laughed and said look around...I'm sure one of these is flat ha.

2. Appear on the Naked and Afraid TV Show. Seeing myself naked makes me afraid...I got a show all my own!


3. Go to "hot yoga", or hot anything. Don't like hot!


4. Run a marathon...I'm too damn lazy.


5. Make others more important than myself, I did that for years and I'm done with that. I keep myself        on the same page as others.


6. Go on a roller coaster, did that for the kids a few times but I really hate them.


7. Sit through a scary movie in the name of entertainment.


8. Smoke cigarettes. Been there did that.


9. Have a baby, I'm a bigger wuss these days so it's a good thing I'm past my prime ha.


10. Wear a bikini, I might lose it.


11. Hunt an animal. Although if the neighbor's chickens keep jumping the fence so my dogs kill them and theres blood, guts and feathers all over I might hunt a neighbor...(THIS IS A JOKE)


12. Stop loving my children.


13. Be the quiet type


14. be a Kathy Griffin fan...DO NOT LIKE HER


15. Choose a Pepsi over a Coke


16. Topple around in high heels. I prefer my hips not broken.


17. Ice skate... my ankles fold up like a house of cards.


18.  Buy underwear at a Thrift store


19. Believe a man that says, "go ahead I'm listening".


20. Dig my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carve my name into his leather seat, take a Louisville slugger to both head lights, and slash all four tires. 


21. Get a sex change. 

22. Date somebody twice my age ha..


23. Wear cheap tight shoes


24. Attend clown school


25. Stick my head out of a dressing room and say to the clerk, "this is a mile too big, you wanna grab me a size 2"?


26. Have washboard abs

27. Take a pole dancing class


28. Wear a tube top..thank me later


29. Start a fist fight


30. Put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving


31. Crowd surf


32. Mud wrestle


33. Single space my Christmas letter


34. Eat a Jalepeno


36. Win a video game


37. Get Married


38. Watch a concert from someones shoulders!


39. Work in a butterball processing plant.


40. Not get annoyed when you don't answer someone fast enough and they say, "HELLO"?? Welcome to my shit list when that happens. 













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