Happy Hours

“You’re about as happy as you decide to be”. “Somebody told me if you make up your mind you won’t have a nervous breakdown, you won’t”! How many times have you heard that before? I can tell you from personal experience that when you are in the depths of depression,  well meaning statements like that makes is easy for a lot of people to feel like they are not willing themselves hard enough to be “happy”! Turned out my unhappiness was rooted in hormones, and all the deciding and self willing in the world wouldn’t have done anything but, I get the general idea if you don’t have something like mental illness or chemical imbalance. Willing yourself to look at the bright side if your having a down day, is at the other end of the spectrum of a dark, deep depression and saying things like that are detrimental to suffers.

I watched a documentary called Happy, awhile ago. I was so surprised to hear that the average guy in the slums of Calcutta are as happy as the average guy in America. Think of that…the Indian man that is slopping through the streets on a run, pulling other people more fortunate than he is no less…is as happy as someone living in the richest country in the world (at the moment anyway)! He said something like, I have a good life, my house is covered on three sides and when my baby son sees me coming… he yells “baba” and that makes me feel like the I am rich and not poor. I have friends and I like my life!

I rewound that three times! I thought wow, we need our butts kicked in this country! People are no happier now that they were fifty years ago with much less, even here in America, the Happy documentary said.

Ed Diener PHD, says we all have a happiness “set point” in our genes that accounts for 50% of our happiness. Circumstances such as our jobs, where we live etc, only account for 10% of our overall happiness. That leaves the last 40% for intentional behavior and other things that add to our happiness or detract from it.

Happiness helps us reach our other goals. Sometimes we turn that around and think reaching our goals is what brings us happiness. Sometimes we fall into thinking money, image and status is what will make us happy when it really is more about personal growth, the people we love, and a sense of community.

I ask you all, what falls in your 40% of intentional behavior that makes you happy? And more than that... what could you do about doing more of it, to make the most of your God given time here the happiest it can be?

I was blessed, truly blessed… from the torturous time I spent in the hospital with postpartum depression in 1979! It took me many years to see it that way… but not a day of my life has been wasted or taken for granted since. Backing out of the driveway and seeing my Mother’s trembling wave, standing in the doorway with my six week old baby girl in one arm and my frightened three year old son clinging to Grandmas leg is still blazoned in my mind. I wondered if I’d ever be back… I really did. I felt like I was looking at life through a long tube of some sort. I hadn’t slept for three days and this was going to be the forth!

When I was at the bottom of the dark black hole, I just didn’t crawl out of it overnight…I crawled, scratched, and prayed my way out over an eight year period! The hormones that put me there didn't last that long but the trama of panic attacks did because I was scared to ever feel that bad again! Over the eight years I felt happier at times,  slid back, creeped forward, back down again… and slowly rebuilt my confidence to go out alone, drive alone etc. Once I got up, I cherished every day that was a good one and I have never stopped.

I have always liked to do things for other people, which is why I really enjoyed being a nurses aide,  a school aide, cleaning houses, studying social work and being a wife and Mom so much. All of those are based on what you can do for others. About eight years ago however, I decided to put myself on the same page with all the people I loved taking care of. My happiness increased immensely after that, it really did. I am not selfish about it ( I don‘t think), I just deal myself in the game now, when I have the chance to be the dealer. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to do for others, but when that’s all you do…you can get angry, bitter and burned out!

I have many things I enjoy as well as my family… such as my spirituality, making gratitude lists, eating better, music, my horse, making jewelry, writing, reading, playing games, face book, TV time and time with my sisters and their kids. All of those add to my 40% intentional behavior that is adding to my own happiness. I still have things I want to do for others, but I am enjoying doing for Easton at the moment.

I challenge you…think about, pray about, adding some intentional behaviors that would add to your happiness. Our being happy one person at a time, only adds to the worlds over all happiness. And more is always better when it comes to happiness! So cheers to not one here and there, but lots of "happy hours"!

　





　

Currency, What's Yours?

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When you hear the word currency you are probably like me, and think of money and only money. Different money for different countries yes, but it’s all about money of some sort. It might be green paper money, colorful paper money or coins. Today, I had a thought in the middle of loading the dishwasher while watching the dogs romping around. I had the thought that every living thing has currency of some sort…even dogs.

As children we start to learn what our personal currency is from parents, teachers and peers. What traits and gifts do we possess and have to offer the world, that are uniquely ours? What do our classmates like about us? Am I pretty? Am I smart? Can I make people laugh? Is sports my thing? Am I a singer….a dancer maybe? What gifts have I been blessed with that I can exchange to gain other peoples approval of me?

Sadly, as a child you also pick up the faults and negative personal traits you have to work around that detract from others approval of us. Sometimes the scale seems a bit unbalanced and people seem to have more of one than the other. Have you ever felt like some people have all the blessings and others all the hardship? I have felt that way many times and still do at my age. But some of the people with the least have the most when it comes to love and kindness.

As I said before, I have always seen myself as Roseanne type. By the time I started high school I was well aware that I was chubby, had crappy teeth and was not athletic to say the least! Because, I had low self esteem I wasn’t aware of any gifts I had at that time. I internally beat myself up all the time. Sad to say, it wasn’t until I hit FIFTY and lived through the growing up of my beautiful talented kids, that did the same thing I did…and dwelled on the bad and seemed oblivious to their currency like most of us seem to do! As a Mom, all I saw was their currency, and it drove me nuts when they were hard on themselves... but I have taught them well, in that department.

When I was fifty, I found my old high school annuals. I paged through them and saw myself in a whole new light! I wondered if just probably I wasn’t as horrible as I thought myself to be. I decided to page though it objectively. I held offices in my class all four years, I had friends…friends that all wrote in my messages that I would make a great social worker! Loving music, I always took band and choir and was editor of our high school paper. I saw myself as somewhere in the middle for the first time and was completely happy there. Too bad it took me so long to see it! Since that day, I see us all in a totally different way. I am not the worst and I’m not the best and neither is anyone else! We try to do the best with the good qualities and the bad traits we have to be our best self. EVERYONE has shortcomings and EVERYONE has personal currency…something or something’s we can offer other people and the world. If we hold all people in high regard, then we could accept other peoples shortcomings and enjoy their currency without jealousy, because we realize we are all blessed with different things and one is no better than another.

The purpose of this post is to encourage anyone who reads it,  to take stock of your currency, your good qualities. Don’t wait to write a resume to begin to think of any good qualities you “might” possess, and then wonder if they are even true... because to confess that you are good at anything seems boastful and wrong. I finally freed myself from most of my insecurity and put myself on the same page as I put others. If I say I am going to hold everyone in high regard that includes me, and occasionally I still have to remind myself of that fact!

Back to the dogs, romping around outside while I wash dishes…Papi has a kind, gentle, loving spirit.  On the other hand he has the most annoying habit of  peeing a little puddle if you talk to him at all, but his positive currency overrides that completely. Barbie is a typical female Chihuahua… bossy, distant, loyal and ornery. But her beautiful doe like eyes melt your whole being, and all the negative goes right over your head and out of your heart. I’m pretty sure it works the same way with humans don't you think? 

Never Trust a Naked Man

 I heard Maya Angelou speak here in Phoenix at Gammage Theatre a few years ago. That talented lady has been blessed with a God given ability to use words in a powerful, powerful way. Sometimes too powerful for me, and it whizzes right over my head! I was taken in with her phrase, “Never trust a naked man who wants to give you the shirt off his back”. I have thought of that quote often, and wondered exactly what did she mean, but whatever it meant, I knew it was profound at the time.

        Reflecting on that monologue that she performed here, while walking the other day, I have decided it means several things. It was my job to take care of everyone. That was a given. My Mom took care of everyone, and naturally it was my job too. In the seventies, when you graduated from high school, you either got married and made a home, which then became your job, or you went to college. I chose to get married, so it became my job to take care of my husband. As the family size increased, my responsibilities increased, as it is for most of us wives and mothers. I loved taking care of my family and there’s not a day I would change. I know I did a good job too of taking care of everyone, but myself.

        Self care is different from selfishness, I finally get that. Now that I turned fifty five, I definitely don’t want to catch that old people’s syndrome so many old timers seem to have! The all about me, entitlement, attitude you see often. I want to find a happy medium between being an isolated, stressed out, overweight, depressed  Sr. Citizen and the one who's entitled to head to the front of the line , asks for every discount under the sun, has something to say on every subject ( yikes I have done that my whole life). Maybe that’s the end result of not taking care of yourself until the end of life is visible, and the pendulum swings to far. I’m not sure.

       If people are mistreating you, misusing your time and you’re allowing it, you are cooperating in it! And wow, I’ve been good at cooperation! I have realized that when I don’t set boundaries for myself, then the kids don’t set boundaries for themselves and that’s harmful to all of us. They need to struggle and become stronger as they work out their own problems. That’s one thing Mom’s generation did well. I don’t know how many times I heard Mom say, “they made their bed now let them lie in it”! Seemed cold to me, and I never liked it… but I understand it finally after all these years. You get stronger when you are allowed to struggle. In the bible it says “even steel has to be fired to be strong”. I always liked that analogy.

        When Kerry and I got married at 18 and 20, he had a hot rod car he didn’t allow me to drive, and a stereo. I had a registered quarter horse and my little black and white 13 inch TV. Literally that’s what we had between us. I drove an old car for many years and finally got my only new car in 2007. Rarely, do I drive that car that I don’t remember the days of being stalled at stoplights, or rumbling up beside someone in a newer car avoiding looking over because I was ashamed of my vehicle. Driving a pickup truck with a rod through the floor instead of a shift knob helps me appreciate and thank God for my car now! I have even kissed the steering wheel and said thank you God for blessing me with this car! More than once I’ve done that! The struggle didn’t hurt me I guess ( but I think my fingers are crossed) , it made me appreciate what I have that’s for sure. I never wanted my kids to feel that way and tried to take care of everyone so they never had to experience what hurt me worst in my life. The thing is they have a list of their own hurts, different than mine, that happened anyway…. so it was all pretty much a waste of time.

      To set boundaries for ourselves we could take the quiet time to ask ourselves, what do I like or dislike? What do I want or need? Once we learn to value ourselves the ability to listen and trust that voice should strengthen up wouldn‘t you think? I really need to work on not caring what others say or think about where I belong. I have heard from so many people, some brave ones directly to me,  but most through someone passing it along to me, why... I’m not sure. These people have no clue what my life has been like or is going on now but throw their two cents in about where I belong. Kerry too has his rail road cronies telling him what they would do if their wife was in AZ., and he was in ND. Setting boundaries about what you will or won’t tolerate isn’t about putting up walls, but more about having the security to be close to people, but not so enmeshed in their lives, you lose yourself or smother them. I’m working on being supportive and helpful but not doing for them what they will figure out themselves. Setting boundaries is understanding where I end and someone else begins and not moving into their space unless I’m invited to, and not to see that as a rejection if I'm not invited in. I will admit I still need work on that one.

      I’m sure my kids, Sydney especially, is reading this and thinking I think Mom is finally getting this! Seeing Sydney bruised and beaten, did something to me I can’t even kick out words for yet, it upsets me so still today. I wanted to protect her at all costs and I did by coming here and giving up the life we had there. However she was 14 then and now she’s 22. I still have a hard time with not wanting to make her decisions and the need to protect her from any thing I feel is a wrong decision, or to keep hurtful people out of her life. Sometimes, I still treat her like a child, and she lets me rather than hurt me. Or she sets me straight and it hurts me, because I always have her best interests at heart.

      Micromanaging is exhausting and if you do it long enough, you feel used up, resentful, exhausted and you’re not helping anyone. Maya Angelou’s, “ Never trust a naked man who wants to give you the shirt off his back”, tells me if you are not taking care of yourself, how can you help anyone else? Like they say on every plane trip to ND…in the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first, because you’re of no help to anyone until you do. Setting boundaries is the respectful, loving and healthy thing for yourself— and everyone else in your life besides. Thank you Maya Angelou!