Never Trust a Naked Man

 I heard Maya Angelou speak here in Phoenix at Gammage Theatre a few years ago. That talented lady has been blessed with a God given ability to use words in a powerful, powerful way. Sometimes too powerful for me, and it whizzes right over my head! I was taken in with her phrase, “Never trust a naked man who wants to give you the shirt off his back”. I have thought of that quote often, and wondered exactly what did she mean, but whatever it meant, I knew it was profound at the time.

        Reflecting on that monologue that she performed here, while walking the other day, I have decided it means several things. It was my job to take care of everyone. That was a given. My Mom took care of everyone, and naturally it was my job too. In the seventies, when you graduated from high school, you either got married and made a home, which then became your job, or you went to college. I chose to get married, so it became my job to take care of my husband. As the family size increased, my responsibilities increased, as it is for most of us wives and mothers. I loved taking care of my family and there’s not a day I would change. I know I did a good job too of taking care of everyone, but myself.

        Self care is different from selfishness, I finally get that. Now that I turned fifty five, I definitely don’t want to catch that old people’s syndrome so many old timers seem to have! The all about me, entitlement, attitude you see often. I want to find a happy medium between being an isolated, stressed out, overweight, depressed  Sr. Citizen and the one who's entitled to head to the front of the line , asks for every discount under the sun, has something to say on every subject ( yikes I have done that my whole life). Maybe that’s the end result of not taking care of yourself until the end of life is visible, and the pendulum swings to far. I’m not sure.

       If people are mistreating you, misusing your time and you’re allowing it, you are cooperating in it! And wow, I’ve been good at cooperation! I have realized that when I don’t set boundaries for myself, then the kids don’t set boundaries for themselves and that’s harmful to all of us. They need to struggle and become stronger as they work out their own problems. That’s one thing Mom’s generation did well. I don’t know how many times I heard Mom say, “they made their bed now let them lie in it”! Seemed cold to me, and I never liked it… but I understand it finally after all these years. You get stronger when you are allowed to struggle. In the bible it says “even steel has to be fired to be strong”. I always liked that analogy.

        When Kerry and I got married at 18 and 20, he had a hot rod car he didn’t allow me to drive, and a stereo. I had a registered quarter horse and my little black and white 13 inch TV. Literally that’s what we had between us. I drove an old car for many years and finally got my only new car in 2007. Rarely, do I drive that car that I don’t remember the days of being stalled at stoplights, or rumbling up beside someone in a newer car avoiding looking over because I was ashamed of my vehicle. Driving a pickup truck with a rod through the floor instead of a shift knob helps me appreciate and thank God for my car now! I have even kissed the steering wheel and said thank you God for blessing me with this car! More than once I’ve done that! The struggle didn’t hurt me I guess ( but I think my fingers are crossed) , it made me appreciate what I have that’s for sure. I never wanted my kids to feel that way and tried to take care of everyone so they never had to experience what hurt me worst in my life. The thing is they have a list of their own hurts, different than mine, that happened anyway…. so it was all pretty much a waste of time.

      To set boundaries for ourselves we could take the quiet time to ask ourselves, what do I like or dislike? What do I want or need? Once we learn to value ourselves the ability to listen and trust that voice should strengthen up wouldn‘t you think? I really need to work on not caring what others say or think about where I belong. I have heard from so many people, some brave ones directly to me,  but most through someone passing it along to me, why... I’m not sure. These people have no clue what my life has been like or is going on now but throw their two cents in about where I belong. Kerry too has his rail road cronies telling him what they would do if their wife was in AZ., and he was in ND. Setting boundaries about what you will or won’t tolerate isn’t about putting up walls, but more about having the security to be close to people, but not so enmeshed in their lives, you lose yourself or smother them. I’m working on being supportive and helpful but not doing for them what they will figure out themselves. Setting boundaries is understanding where I end and someone else begins and not moving into their space unless I’m invited to, and not to see that as a rejection if I'm not invited in. I will admit I still need work on that one.

      I’m sure my kids, Sydney especially, is reading this and thinking I think Mom is finally getting this! Seeing Sydney bruised and beaten, did something to me I can’t even kick out words for yet, it upsets me so still today. I wanted to protect her at all costs and I did by coming here and giving up the life we had there. However she was 14 then and now she’s 22. I still have a hard time with not wanting to make her decisions and the need to protect her from any thing I feel is a wrong decision, or to keep hurtful people out of her life. Sometimes, I still treat her like a child, and she lets me rather than hurt me. Or she sets me straight and it hurts me, because I always have her best interests at heart.

      Micromanaging is exhausting and if you do it long enough, you feel used up, resentful, exhausted and you’re not helping anyone. Maya Angelou’s, “ Never trust a naked man who wants to give you the shirt off his back”, tells me if you are not taking care of yourself, how can you help anyone else? Like they say on every plane trip to ND…in the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first, because you’re of no help to anyone until you do. Setting boundaries is the respectful, loving and healthy thing for yourself— and everyone else in your life besides. Thank you Maya Angelou!

Commit To A Healthy Life

      It’s a new year. What will you do with it? Resolutions come and go. The way you choose to live shouldn’t. Don’t throw in the towel, grab one and break a sweat. Lets do it together! Those words were on the cover of an invitation from Lifetime Fitness inviting us to their facility. I thought it was a great choice of words urging people to commit to a better life!

     I already wrote about what I planned to do with my year, and how I felt about resolutions. The catch for me in the words above, is that the way I choose to live shouldn’t come and go. I have always been a yoyo dieter. My joke is I haven’t even been able to yo, however for 15 years! The numbers have been gradually creeping up and up.

     Take it from me, losing weight isn’t hard. What’s hard, is getting your mind in the right place to stay disciplined. Exercise is a huge part losing weight and being healthy. I’d do well for awhile and then fall off the mark.

     I absolutely hate the TV show The Biggest Loser! I cannot believe someone doesn’t die and I can’t imagine the injuries that must happen when people that large are driven to exercise like that. In my opinion, it sets the bar way to high for the overweight people watching it. To me, it sends a message that they are going to have to practically kill themselves to lose weight. Excessive exercise is not likely to happen for most of us, because by the time you allow that many pounds to add up most of us are limping and ill. I heard a good analogy once that compared a wagon carrying a light load to a wagon carrying a heavy load. Naturally the heavy wagon’s wheels are going to give out first! Interesting, but didn’t spur me on to any success. I hope it works for you.

    You don’t have to kill yourself practically to lose weight just concentrate on getting healthier and I really think it will just happen. Maybe I’m delusional, I’m not sure. Its about feeling better, doing some things like horse back riding I haven’t done for years and just being who I am and living my days instead of acting like they are unending and just wasting my time here.

     I am eleven days into my campaign to sparkle. I have lost five pounds in eleven days, far from the biggest losers success if your measuring by pounds but I don’t care. I have my walking up to 20 min. and I started at ten. I haven’t been sore or stiff, and my back is holding up well. I have never been thin and don’t plan to be, it is not about looks for me.

    I’m writing blogs because I love to write, and I want to help someone else. I’m not going to write all year on weight. Life is way bigger than that! I have lots of ideas, but this one is in my face at the moment. Or should I say in my back?

So tomorrow, God willing, I will grab a towel, break a sweat and enjoy my day. I’m staying strong in my commitment to live better.  

Ps…Scotty is doing ok. He has surgery today to put the port in his chest for chemo.

My Little Friend

    

 Sometimes, bad things happen to others that you care about that really puts your own problems in perspective. Is the two and a half pounds I lost a big deal when someone is fighting for their life? A child, no less? My daughter, Shelbey, moved here to Phoenix from Branson, Mo. where she was working and singing, to accept a position as a music teacher at an elementary school. Of course, I enjoyed having her here, with me and our other two children. After she started her new job at the school, at her urging, I accepted a job as an classroom individual aid for a little boy with Downs Syndrome.

     During the interview with the Principal, she took me to the Special Needs classroom I’d be working in, and we peeked in the door window. She pointed to Scotty sitting under his desk sucking on his finger. She told me I would need a firm hand and a lot of discipline as had been having a terrible time getting along with the last couple of aids they had hired for him and eventually they had quit.

     When I was introduced to Scotty he just looked up at me with his little brown eyes, sort of wrinkled his forehead, then his eyes darted off in another direction and he went back to sucking his finger. I looked around the room. I had never been with any special needs children before, say nothing of a room full or ten or twelve. I expected to feel scared or uncomfortable but I didn’t. The first time I saw how unpredictable they could be with their emotions I was like, “Hey I have a lot in common with these kids”! They are just like any other kids, they just have areas where they need some assistance and I’m good at assistance!

     My first few days with Scotty he was really wary of me. He had some shut downs and behavior I didn’t understand because he didn’t talk, but I tried to. I surely didn’t use a firm hand and I surely didn’t use a lot of discipline. I used reasoning and genuine “I want to make your life a better place“. Only one time he hit me, and I just looked him in the eye and said, “Hey you and me are friends. We don’t hit friends. I don’t hit you and you don’t hit me”. Two big tears rolled down his face and he hugged me.

      Every morning I would get him off the bus, and by day four he smiled when he saw me there to get him and reached out to take my hand, that warmed my insides on a chilly morning! His teacher always had a packet of work for the students to do first thing in the morning called “sign ins.” Students practiced writing their name, address phone numbers, a little math, matching and letters etc. The first few days he sat under the desk, sucking his finger and I coaxed to no avail. One day, I just moved my chair over to help another student and he got right up and moved a different chair beside his desk for me to come back over. Every day after that one time, as soon as he got his backpack hung up he’d get me a chair and put it by his desk!

     I used humor to diffuse his temper tantrums, (so much for the firm hand), and the reward might be chance to listen to a song on my I pod, ( he loved Laurie Berkner songs), to get him to let go of the swing set pole and come in from recess. To help him with his math problems I would put dots beside the numbers in the equations for him to count. For example ::4 + 2: = ?. One morning, I had a quick meeting with his teacher, and was over at her desk and he was working on his sign in alone. I was astounded when I came to his desk to see he had dotted all his own math problems! I felt so proud to have taught him that!

     During art class instructions he didn’t understand, he’d get restless. Giving him the finger massages I'd give my own kids during church,  I’d take his hand and massage each one,  and then playfully wiggle each finger one at a time when I was done. He’d always smile at the wiggle part! After a week or two of my famous massages,  if I didn’t take the initiative to do his hand massage,  he’d give me his hand!

      We both packed our lunches so I’d bring him something in my lunch I knew he’d like, such as a pickle or fresh orange slices from my tree. That boy loved to eat! During assemblies that were too loud I’d always cover his ears because loud noises bothered him.  I had him try to address everyone we ran into to encourage him to talk. Before long regular classroom teachers, janitors and front desk personel were stopping us in and saying what a changed kid he was! He and I had a bond that I really needed in my tough times and he really needed for somebody to try and understand him.

     His parents are some of the most wonderful people I know. They love their son more than anything and have fought for him and given him the most normal life they could.  He’s taken karate, hiked South Mountain and every year he looks forward to a convoy, when he can ride in his Dads’ Wal-Mart truck to benefit Special Olympics. He’s even been zip lining in Mexico! How many of you can say that? After getting to know his parents I see why he’s grown up to be such a special caring young man. He has his Dad’s sense of humor, and his Mom’s loving spirit. He’s has the best parents any child could have. 

     I don’t work with Scott anymore, he’s in junior high now.  I have kept up with his family and see Scotty several times a year.  Earlier this week, his parents let us know he has leukemia and a blood infection besides. He is in the hospital and very sick. Since that news, I feel a little shell shocked honestly. My losing weight and thinking of my own life went to the back burner. Although I’m still on my plan for myself too, his well being is in my mind constantly.

     I went to see Scotty yesterday. As sick he is, he put his hand out waved it back and forth and said, “Miss Pam”! That fragile, painridden, swollen, little boy laying in that bed changed my life and I’m better because of him, and all those kids in that room for that matter. What a blessing they were for me. Help me pray for a positive outcome for Scotty and for his parents.