Fatty fatty four by four and crap like that!

George Lopez called Kirstie Alley a pig, basically, on his show. Referring to her feet as, "hooves" and, "she looked like this little piggy had roast beef for lunch and this little piggy had..."She tweeted back, "I don’t want or need an apology from George Lopez... I want his kidney dude, for his x (whom he divorced after she gave him a kidney) and all the other women he's insulted"!

The fact that that this can still happen on national TV, no less in this day and age,  really bugs me! I honestly think that George Lopez is only on TV because he’s Hispanic and its politcally correct to have him on the network lineup these days, obviously whether he’s funny or not. I have never liked humor that’s at someone else’s expense (unless I personally am dishing it out of course ha!).  But seriously, isn’t the funniest humor the everyday things that we do that someone can turn into a story and we laugh because it’s you’re thinking, “oh yeah been there”! On one hand we try to make progress against bullying and on the other have these "so called entertainers" acting like elementary students with no conscience.

Being fat is the last prejudice that’s still out there and openly tolerated.  Fat jokes been directed at fat girls mostly, and you know why it’s tolerated? Because rather than stand up for ourselves, we believe we have it coming. We have been conditioned to that. I know boys have their own issues with being fat but I was a girl (yes, once upon a time) and have taken a lot of teasing, put downs,  and probably worse discrimination.

I started getting “chunky” during puberty. Not sure why because I’d been a skinny, scrawny, sickly kid. But my parents started having marriage problems when I was about ten and between my tenth and twelfth birthdays my pictures I looked like I was a balloon being inflated. My parents fought over what Kathy and I ate. Mom tried to watch what and how much we ate, and Dad’s stance was, “let them eat”. I was always thinking, “Yeah let us eat”! Every time I poured a glass of orange juice, Mom, like a broken record would say, “that stuff is fattening you know! 

  We ate about six times a day. There was breakfast, morning coffee, dinner, lunch, supper and something before we went to bed.  Yep, that’s six times! That was all fine and good for those who were doing heavy labor on the farm but playing with cats, and pushing doll buggies didn’t really qualify us to eat like that. We didn’t have a lot of fun, and eating was fun… Mom was such a good cook! 

By the sixth grade I was being called, “Pam the ham” in school. Our farmland had gotten annexed into the Blaisdell school district and we were forced to go to Blaisdell School from Palermo. We didn’t want to change schools. There were three or four in each grade and only me and another girl in my grade.  There was a boy a grade ahead of me that had the dirtiest mind I’d ever been exposed to! He harassed us, called us dirty sexual names and was just smart ass puke in general. I would go home and tell Mom the words we heard that day in school…and she was astounded we were hearing such things but our Mom never rocked any boats, and just encouraged us to ignore it…not easy. We had a few good time memories there in Blaisdell School, but mostly I hated it. Because Blaisdell didn’t have a high school you could go to high school wherever you wanted to. Most of the Blaisdell kids opted for Stanley High School but we wanted to go back to Palermo and I’ve always been happy we did.

In high school is where I realized the connection between weight and sexuality. I have always described myself as a “Rosie O’Donnell” type. Chubby who used my humor to cover my insecurity.  I was not hugely fat. I always had boyfriends and friends, held class officer ships in my class, and felt popular but certainly not because of my looks. My weight and my teeth were something I had to overcome. Anyone I ever dated, dated me after hanging out as friends first. I always wanted to be like that Suzanne Somers character in American Graffiti. The smoldering, heart stopping, slam on the breaks, “I wanna go with her”, girl. No such luck! Instead I had a sexy friend Charli in high school that everyone wanted to date. I was her fat friend, that was overlooked, looked past or downright ignored by many guys.

Besides the dating scene and school issues, by then I’d been called a “slob” by one of my in-laws that seared my heart like a branding iron. When I had my appendix out the doctor who came into see me stiff and sore and miserable after surgery said, “We had a little bet before we cut you open about how many layers of fat we’d be cutting through and I won”! He said a number of layers too but I can't remember the number, just the put down. 

 Every family picnic was a dreaded event on my part...I didn't know which of my Aunts or Uncles on my Dad's side of the family was going to deliver the crushing blow that day. Every picnic it was a different one in that family. "You've gained alot of weight since I saw you last", "you better watch out our you're going to end up as fat as Lavina", "I really thought you were smarter than this". I remember being a married mother and climbing into my Mom's bed after one of these family picnics and sobbing to her about how fat I was. I remember telling her,  I'm so tired of being the biggest, the fattest and the uglist of my sisters".

                          An attempt at losing weight

I had a boyfriend, a crazy one.... but that’s another story, and probably the most redeeming thing about being fat that I can think of in this stage of my life, is that my self-esteem was so low it kept me from even thinking about doing anything sexual!  Are you kidding me? Take my clothes off in front of anyone?  Anytime my boyfriend even put his hand where I had a roll of fat, I'd move it! There was a lot of that moving the hand,  because there were a lot of rolls, both real and imagined! I was absolutely obsessed with how fat I was! Everywhere we went I’d see overweight girls(like when your pregnamt and see all pregnant people).  I'd ask my Mom, “Am I as fat as her?”  Mom would always say, "well your shaped different"…silently I knew I had a weird shape on top of being fat. I did too, that wasn’t imagined.

 I wore a long line girdle under my skin tight jeans that I had to lay on the bed to button. Of course then I had a huge roll OVER my jeans so I had to wear a sweatshirt and stretch it out just right so it would blouse over the fat roll, and not cling to it.
 
                                                    
                                   Back up

             

I started my yoyo dieting career between my sophomore and junior year in high school, when I lost thirty pounds for the first time.  All of a sudden I had upper classmen and boys from other schools wanting to date me. I really didn’t get it; I was the same person after all. I still felt fat and I still didn’t like myself much. That part never changed throughout my life until now.

                                   Thin when Brendon was in Tball

I met Kerry when I was eighteen and totally loved him from the first time I saw him. He thought I was a tomboy and saw me more in the friend category unless he was drunk . I always think of this when Larry the Cable guy does his …”the cop pulls me over, asks me if I’m drunk, and I say, “why have a got a fat girl in the backseat”? Funny, funny stuff those fat jokes!  Unless you’re fat. Unless you’ve been fat. I think I won Kerry over by being there for him, cooking for him, mothering him so well… and he longed for that. Kerry loves me too I’m not saying that,  but what I’m saying is we loved each other for different reasons and like every other person I dated it wasn’t for my knockout body or looks.

                                        Fat when Syd was young

 Over the years, I was always on my way up the scale or down. I always said, “I’m not an addicted eater”, and I stand by that still today, I just am not active enough to burn off what I eat. I had a metabolism test last year and it was barely off the low end on a bar graph. I was like, “yeah, see there, I’m not a closet eater”!  Kerry never said anything about my weight going up or down all these years but was always more attracted to me going down.

                        REALLY FAT when Mom was in the home

After Sydney was born, and I had a miscarriage a year or so after that, I just sort of stopped trying to manage my weight. I didn’t even get up the energy to yo…ha.  Like I have said, it’s not that I eat so much I’m just not very active. There’s a fix for that, except I hate HAVING to do anything and I’m lazy. I do things like clean house and paint and decorate because I like the result.

                                                               

Thinner for SHelbeys wedding

I didn’t know when I started the sparkle campaign that I’d have these health issues come up and HAVE to do the exercise but whatever it is, I need to do for the end result.  I’m trying to switch my thinking over to working towards the end result of better health, regaining things in my life that I’d given up because of weight, and having more energy and mobility. Yesterday at the Tempe Art Fest I walked all day which I wouldn’t have done a few months ago.

                                       Really really fat (fattest ever) again!!

If I could go back to those young years I’d say to myself… life is precious, and short. Enjoy today in spite of the ignorance that’s out there from people who don’t understand the plight of being overweight, or underweight or drug addicted or mentally ill, or suicidal, or ….. The list is endless. We can’t change stupid or ignorant; we can only change how we react. I finally know my value, and its not about looks or what somebody else thinks its about what you think.  Have compassion for their ignorance because we are all ignorant in different ways. Compassion, however, doesn’t mean we accept it, instead step up and take the chance to educate in a polite but matter of fact way.

 I remember the first time I did that, educate someone,  and it wasn't for me it was for my brother who had had a drinking problem. One of those same relatives I talked about up further, approached me in church no less and said Sonny,  "was a nice guy if he just didnt have that drinking "fault". First of all, of course my Brother is a nice guy, hes my brother so don't give me your opinion of him, unless its a good one. I would and will protect who he was till the end of my life.  Second, Sonny was dead, and the word  fault, sizzled my temper so badly, I dared to come back with "that wasnt  a fault, he had an illness"!  It was easier for me to defend him than it was myself for all my weight comments that family had piled on me. Too bad they have passed away,  most of them because I can defend myself today!

                                                                             

        Down a little and dang it...going down for good i pray!

                                                                        

Our reaction to all the George Lopez’s out there should be to just shut him off, don’t waste your time trying to figure out how someone who already has all he has, can stoop that low for some more green paper. I say, Kirstie Alley is right - who is George Lopez to her happiness?   Have you seen how many tabloids she has endured over the years. I'd be a recluse in her position, so I hope his comments spur her on and she continues to do well on Dancing With The Stars.  Just enjoy your own life; fat or thin, wherever you are, and be your best self!

Ps.  If you’re a Mom with kids, I encourage you, to encourage them, to accept all people, dont make fat jokes or talk negatively about people with weight problems. It matters more how you conduct yourself than how you tell them to conduct themselves. Karma has made some of the skinniest people fat. Put the kabosh on any kind of cruelty or rude comments about other people, when kids say them.  

Be Careful What You Promise

       This post is a sad one for me and my family. As many of my Berthold friends especially remember, my Mom was with me almost all the time. She lost our Dad when she was only 48, so her kids and grandkids really became her life! She loved to cheer Brendons tball, baseball, basketball and football teams on over the years. She never missed any games Shelbey cheered at or any of her music concerts in high school or college. Sydneys dance recitals, pagents and talent shows all had Mom sitting proudly right beside me. She just loved being part of our family. Not just my family, but all of our families (she took turns).

            Blowing out her cake with Brendon watching

      When Mom passed away from Alzheimers Disease, I really wanted to be able to give her Eulogy even though I have panic sometimes. I really wanted to be able to tell everyone how blessed we had been.  I had written a paper shortly before for an English class, titled My Greatest Blessing - so I added what Marcy Kathy and Sonnys kids wanted to say to that, and managed to read it at her funeral and stay in one piece too. I'm going to share it on this blog because sometime I'm going to bind all these blogs for the kids and this is something I want them to remember. Its not a sparkle or shine uplifting post so you may want to skip this one, it but its what I wrote and read at my Mothers funeral.

         Grief is a funny thing, I hardly spoke of her or cried about it or anything thing for a long time. Shelbey used to say Mom, I think something is weird about that....but I had promised Mom in a lucid (well I thought I was) conversation with her that I would be ok. I was the fragile child, the nervous one who she had to mother the most. I told her one day that I would be ok, that all of us kids would be ok somehow with our families to help us through it, and she should worry about her. So I think i felt obligated to be ok, cuz I promiced I would. At first I kept busy with Brendon's surgury and Shelbeys wedding, but then once I got to Phoenix and was dealing with what happened to Sydney, and peoples opinions about where I should or shouldnt be, I just shut down. I would sit on the computer and travel the information highway all day every day just going from subject to subject. Or I would play my Ipod in my ears even while I was on the computer.  I did that for about four years; I never paid the bills, I never answered the phone. Then the dam burst and the floods came! Inside I felt like that tusunami looks these days on tv. I felt like i was broken and battered and in ruins. Any little thing overwhelmed me. I don't know how Sydney and Marcy put up with me somedays. 

       I got my sandbags out finally, and shored up my edges while I worked on my insides.  The water is calmer and the debri and ugly sludge I have from sitting here like a stump for so long is getting manageable. There's green poking out, signs of happiness and spring. 

       I'm not gonna lie that was probably the dumbest, impulsive, promise I ever made...and the hardest one I had to keep. But I know there is nothing Mom would want more, than me getting healthier... she hated that I was overweight all my life. She would want me to be happy and take life as it comes...you don't have to be fearless you just have to keep going. She did that well and I can too.

       My Mom passed away March 14,2003. I wanted you to know my Mom if you didnt; or remember her with a pleasant smile if you did.

A Quick Update

My sparkle campaign is going well for the most part. My enthusiasm was dampened for a little bit when I got the news that I had kidney failure, but after seeing the specialist...he said if we can get you to the end of your life with fifty percent and you die with fifty percent, that’s as good as a hundred! Couple that with the slap in the face about what’s going on in Japan and I snapped back in the thankful mode.

My gfr number had gone up from 39 to 49 with a low salt diet and changing my blood pressure medication from a diuretic to an ace inhibitor and stopping any use of naiads. I was happy it was better, but wish it was not there at all, I'm not gonna lie.

My family has been so concerned and good to me. I am continuing to read uplifting books, and think positively most of the time.  Last Sunday in church we sang, It Is Well With My Soul.... it spoke directly to me that day, especially this verse. 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

                When sorrows like sea billows roll;

                Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

                It is well; it is well with my soul.

http://www.hymnsite.com/lyrics/umh377.sht

I have lost seventeen pounds, and I know it’s not really worth bragging seeing as how it’s been three months and some people lose that in two weeks, but i just keep walking 30 min and eating better. Yesterday I wanted wings in the worst way and finally went to buffalo wild wings and had them. Carb wise they are good to eat, but fat and salt wise... probably not. I'm not perfect at this, but I am doing my best to live a healthier life and still enjoy life. I think of this old timer I knew who when faced with a low salt, low cholesterol diet said, "Basically if it tastes good, DON'T EAT IT!" I’m feeling that one now ha...

I encourage you all to pick up your cross like David Wilkerson wrote, and do your best to get where you have to be with that struggle. Your cross could be cigarette smoking, drinking, overeating, exercise, or a million other things...we all have something. We owe it to ourselves and the people we love to take care of ourselves, which is hard to do sometimes. Keep on sparkling readers!

My Lifetime Reading List

    What is it that would make a creature as fierce, majestic, and powerful as a lion is, subject itself to the intimidation of a man, a whip and a chair? The lion has forgotten who he is.

    That saying opens Iyanla Vanzant’s new book, Peace from Broken Pieces. Her meditation books, titled Faith in the Valley, and Until Today, have always been favorites of mine. She has written many other books too, and I was happy to see her back on Oprah’s final season.

        Books and Music are my “things”. I know the words to so many songs, I surprise myself!  No wonder the hard drive in my brain has no room for other stuff, I really should remember! And books, like music, have saved me from depression and anxiety, and kept me afloat in life more than once.

      I can spend hours in a Barnes and Noble store seaching for a potencial new book. The front cover of the potencial new book is a huge hook for me, as well as the print size, the texture of the page, and how wordy or flowery the story is written. I like an accurate picture painted for me of course, but not overly so.  Part of the fun of reading is what you conjure up in your own mind to fill in where the author leaves off. I have a Kindle and I like it for travel but I prefer the actual book with the color and texture etc.  

     I especially like memoirs and self- help books. I’ll share some book titles that have been my saving grace over the years.  Have You Felt Like Giving Up Lately, by David Wilkerson is a book I think all young people should read. I read it in my twenties and it is about asking questions we all seem to ask at times. He uses biblical scriptures to answer commonly asked questions like why me? He says, everyone has a cross to bear in life, different crosses but it’s our job to pick up our cross and struggle with it if we have to…Jesus did.

     Another of my favorites is Why Am I Crying, by Martha Maughon. I got more from that book than any counselor or doctor could have given me. Her husband worked for the Billy Graham ministries and she was racked with post-partum depression. If you know me you know that I was hospitalized with post-partum depression after Shelbey was born. That book is a really good one for anyone suffering from depression and anxiety. Everyone is different, and I only write from my own perspective but the only thing that made sense to me when I got to the end of my own rope was believing in something stronger that I was, and the bigger picture. This book was my saving grace.

     Sarah Van Breathnoch wrote several books, my favorite being Simple Abundance. I was lucky enough to see her at the Oprah show when I went in 1997 with my friend Toni Evans. We were given the book as audience members. I spent many hours after the kids were in bed, in the bathtub, a candle lit, and reading my daily dose of Simple Abundance.

      My favorite memoir is A Glass Castle. It is the family story of Jennette Walls, who today is a writer for MSNBC. The story is about herself and her three siblings, who lived a neglected, dysfunctional, and nomadic lifestyle. Their father was a brilliant, charismatic alcoholic, who when he was sober was able to capture the imagination of the kids and teach them geology and physics but mostly how to embrace life fearlessly. The mother was an artist and a writer that could care less about tending to a family, when she could be painting. What I loved about this book, is that rather be written from a place of anger, it comes from love.  It’s the epitome of unconditional love and triumph against all odds. Shelbey loves this book too.

    

 Kerry gave me my New International Version Bible for a gift one Christmas when I was struggling with post-partum depression. He took the time to write in the front cover of it and I cherish that book.

    

     

My Mom was never a reader. Sonny and I were the readers in our family, but Mom gave me a book for my birthday one year before she died. It was called a Return to Love. Upon giving me that book, written by Marianne Williamson, Mom said, “I saw her on Oprah and this book sounded like you, so I found it”.  This book is kind of over my head in spots, as her writing is really new age,  and she’s too smart for me ha…but in a nutshell the book is about that God LOVES you, is not out to punish you, and only has your happiness in mind. It’s spiritual, and is about cultivating your mind and thought patterns. I love that book because I got it from Mom more than what I got out of it.

     My love of books started early. Mom was a busy farm wife and we didn’t have lap time to bond with Mom…she never sat down ha! But she always read to us at bed time so it was special time for us. I loved Little Golden Books and Rand McNally Elf Books. I have a collection of them in North Dakota. Some of my favorites are:

      Goldilocks and the Three Bears (A Mattel Music Maker book). This book has a little crank on the right side of the book and you sang along in the story and turned the crank to accompany yourself. Kathy had one too; hers was titled, Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone? These were our absolute favorites!!

I also liked Lazy Fox and the Little Red Hen, about a hungry fox that steals the hen but after she gets heavy he decides to rest on the way home. While hes sleeping she takes out her sewing kit in her apron pocket and cuts a whole gets out and puts a rock in the sack and sews it up. He is killed when he dumps the rock in boiling water thinking its the hen!  

Timothy The Little Brown Bear. This was a story about a little bear who didn’t want to go to school. Because he couldn’t read he misunderstood what he tried to read- even a birthday party invitation! He finally decides he needs to go to school after he missed the party.

Helpful Henrietta was a story about Farmer Flinders not wanting to tax his young horse that was pulling the buggy to town on her first trip with the milk and butter. His wife wants to come, then further on down the road they meet the Boobledink family and one by one they get in the buggy. The story ends with Henrietta the horse being able to carry them all.

Me Too was a story Kathy and I loved because there was a dark haired sister and a younger blonde sister like we were. The little sister wanted to do everything the big sister did. I was happy to be the big sister in the story. 

     

           Fraidy Cat is a story of a kitten that was scared of everything until a Dr. finally gives him a paper heart to wear on his coat. The paper heart gives him courage to do what he couldn’t before.

    

       My very favorite childrens book these days is My Lucky Day by Keiko Kasza. It’s the cutest story about a pig who outsmarts a hungry fox. Just adorable! I give it for a gift a lot.

      My niece Heather is a real reader, she never goes anywhere without a book and her children are the same way. I don’t even fit in that category of readers; I just like to read as one of the things I enjoy in life. I have learned so much from a good book. Books help me be my best self and keep the sparkle campaign going. I have been a little slow with this blog lately as Kerry has been here and we have been running around a lot.

      Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.  ~Charles W. Eliot

       

*P*A*N*C*A*K*E*S*

      Did you ever read the book Little Black Sambo? That little book was a family favorite Mom read to us. We were just talking about the book at Mom’s birthday party last week. All the girls remembered that story! There’s been a lot of talk these last years about the use of “black” in that story. It’s actually been changed to Little Brave Sambo!  A classic example of racism claims gone crazy, the story was first written in 1899 by Helen Bannerman from Scotland. The daughter of a chaplain who was posted to foreign countries; she lived for over thirty years in India.  She wrote the book about a little Indian boy.

      Little Black Sambo is an exciting tale involving Black Jumbo the father, and Black Mumbo the mother, who come home from the market with a beautiful red coat, blue trousers, a green umbrella and a beautiful pair of purple shoes with “crimson soles and crimson linings”( I loved that part, how beautiful they must have been), for little Black Sambo.

      Little Black Sambo runs into a bunch of tigers, who threaten to eat him. He remains calm and brave, but winds up using his beautiful clothes to bargain with the threatening tigers, before reclaiming them while the tigers fight to prove who looks grandest in his clothing. They get in such a fight that they chase each other in a circle around and around a tree! Eventually, they turn into butter. At the end of the book Black Mumbo uses the butter for pancakes.  Black Mumbo ate twenty-seven pancakes, and Black Jumbo ate fifty-five pancakes, but Little Black Sambo ate a hundred and sixty-nine, because he was so hungry after the long day he’d had!

     

          My Mom was a true pancake lover and baker. She always made animals or whatever we could dream up for her to make. She was very artistic and they always turned out really cute!  Like a short order cook she happily made whatever animal we could dream up.  When Brendon came along and wanted footballs and baseballs, she even put the laces on it. All of our kids have wonderful memories of animal pancakes at Grandmas.

         Our family favorite pancake recipe is

2 cups of flour                      ½ tsp. soda

1 tsp baking powder           1/2 tsp. salt

2 cups of buttermilk          2 Tbsp. melted shortening

2 eggs                                       2 Tbsp. sugar

       Mix in the order given. If you like your pancakes thicker add more flour. If you like them thinner add more buttermilk or milk. Mom used milk if she didn’t have buttermilk. This recipe makes about a fairly big batch, at least 12 small pancakes.

        We always ate hot animal pancakes at breakfast with butter and Log Cabin immitation maple syrup ha.  Over the rest of the day we ate all the plain round leftovers. We enjoyed them cold and rolled up, with butter and sugar trickling down our sleeve. We loved them!  I never got up to polishing off 169 pancakes, like Little Black Sambo, but did eat enough that my stomach felt like I did! Here are some videos of how make some cute shape ones. They have videos these days ha!

<a href="http://www.howdini.com/howdini-video-7073693.html%22%3EHow to make fun and creative pancakes for kids</a>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QncTx4BypC8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mFssVwSuDo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fMhvkZiFe4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-2qynOT9EE

That's Awkward!

      A student, in my niece’s second grade class in Surry, North Dakota inspired this post.  The class was working on adjectives to describe themselves. My niece, the teacher, was doing it with them. When she got to the “A” in her name she said to the class, “I’m stuck can you help me think of a word to describe myself that begins with “A”? Her little student, happy to fill in the blank, piped up with, “Awkward, you’re definitely Awkward”! We laughed about it, but for some reason the story stuck with me now for a few days.

      Awkward… is a word that means many things if you look it up, but one of definition is “clumsily or unskillfully performed”. I can think of a lot of things I felt awkward about over the years that’s for sure! The first thing that comes to mind is my body type. I never had a “bikini bod”- even as a teenager. I don’t even remember wearing clothes in single digit sizes after elementary school.  A twelve was skinny for me!  I never had a pair of “skinny jeans”, or wasted my time drinking skinny girl margaritas with so far to go.

        I had awkward permanent teeth. I’d been really sick as a child and treated with antibiotics which affected my teeth. My teeth came in with deep fever pockets making me feel really awkward about smiling for years. It wasn’t until after I was married, and had dental insurance that I was able to have all my teeth capped two at a time (that’s all insurance allowed) for years.

         Although I always admired people who could wear scarves, I always feel like a spectical in them. They are always falling off, lopsided or just silly looking on me. I found a u tube video lately that was really helpful, so at least I know how they are supposed to be now. I’m determined to get over the awkwardness of it!  Check this out, maybe if you suffer from the same affliction and the video will help you too.   

                                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF80skNoo8Y           

      Eyeglasses are an awkward thing. I was so excited at the prospect of getting glasses when the teacher contacted my Mom, filling her in on my need for glasses. I was in the eighth grade when I got a pair of in style, hot of the press, genuine 70's wire rims! I walked out of the Drs. office able to see every leaf on the tree, as if someone focused a camera lens. But by the time I got home my excitement had already waned. The little plastic nose pieces were digging into the sides of my nose, and my ears were being gouged by the sharp bend in the bows!  Besides, once I could see so clearly, I didn’t like the glasses nearly as much as I did being fitted for them while half blind!

       The next time I needed glasses, I talked Mom into soft contacts, which were a hundred something dollars in the seventies. Wearing contacts was a pain as well. At the end of the day, you had to wash them and steam them. Once they were cooking in the steamer you were blind until morning. One night I came home late and tired, peeled them off my corneas, and put them each in a cup of water on the sink rather than clean and steam them. Cleaning off the counter the next morning, Mom dumped them down the drain. I don’t remember if I was madder at her for blinding me, or she at me, for putting them there in the first place!

        Going for your first girl check-up…there's one that’s pretty awkward, but having your first baby trumps that!  In the early stages of labor, you start out embarrassed and lady like. Moving into hard labor you end up swearing, moaning, and more than willing to show the goods to ANYONE willing to just DO SOMETHING! Now that I think of it, any sex thing was really awkward. Do you ever really get over that one? I haven’t.  Probably has something to do with the body image I talked about. I've always said I was going to come back in my next life, the kind of girl that men slammed on their brakes to take a look at. Since I’ve seen that scenario close up and personal, I decided that's just has a whole new set of problems. I’ll stick with being what I am. I always had boyfriends and friends; I just had to work harder to move them past my bodacious bod.

         If you’re younger and reading this, I assure you awkwardness fades with age. Things that freaked me out years ago, leave me unfazed these days. I have realized with time that a lot of people wear glasses, are chubby, without perfect teeth, and most of them have babies even! I used to think if someone else had more physical beauty or creativity than I, that made what I was less somehow. Life isn’t a competition, even though it certainly is easy to be sucked into that mindset. When you finally realize that there really is only one you, and that you were designed by God, with all your personality attributes and physical flaws alike; then its ok to have all of it, good and bad.

        Remember the movie baby talk when the little sperms swim toward the egg in the opening few minutes? The first little tailed creature to win the race finally breaks the barrier and fertilizes the egg! When Sydney was little she really enjoyed the idea of being such a good swimmer to have gotten there first!

       Some of the people I admire the most have obvious flaws. I remember when my Mom’s only sister had a heart attack. That was twenty years ago already.  I was feeling so sad and thinking how important she is to me in the waiting room. Did it matter to me that she was always chubby? No! I loved her the same thin or chubby. That’s the day I stopped caring so much about the vanity reasons about dealing with being overweight. I am not saying one should ever be overweight, because it takes an enormous toll on your body physically and emotionally. It should be about taking care of yourself with self-love... not self-loathing.

       In my opinion, Barbara Streisand for example, has the most awkward nose in the world on one hand; and one of the greatest gifts in the world on the other. I say decide you are what you are, and make the most of the positive, accept the negative and help other people accept it too.

       Awkward. The letters form the perfect look for that weird word.  I don’t think Tiffany’s student meant anything personal when he came up with “awkward”. It’s a buzz word right now, so I’m sure he hears it all the time. Tiffany found it funny and good for her. As I young person without a lot of confidence, I probably would have been analyzing it forever…as I am right now ha! I told you I think too much - it’s a family tradition.

          

     When I was looking up awkward the web came up with these pictures and some of them are awkward all right! These were only the G rated ones!  Happy Sunday!

A Big Snafu

sna·fu    (sn-f) KEY  Slang

NOUN:pl. sna·fus   

A chaotic or confused situation.

ADJECTIVE:

In a state of confusion or chaos.

TRANSITIVE VERB:
sna·fued, sna·fu·ing, sna·fus

To make confused or chaotic.

 

     Snafu, … I hate that word. My mom used it a lot when you had a hitch in your plans or a problem would come up in her latest knitting pattern. Well, I have a snafu at the moment,  which derailed my sparkle campaign somewhat for the last two weeks. I will share it with you all, because if you haven’t noticed I’m an open book.

     Two weeks ago I went to the Dr. for lab results, expecting the usual your triglycerides are too high, but not expecting anything to bad, only to have the Dr. say I was in the moderate stage of KIDNEY FAILURE! Calmly, she said she was taking me off my diuretic medication I’ve taken for years, and sending me to a kidney specialist. I hardly heard anything else she said after that. I protested a bit about the diuretic because I need it, or I really get puffy looking and feeling. She snapped, “Well, how soon do you want to be on dialysis”? When she saw I got upset over that, she came closer with a Kleenex box and tried to smooth it over.

     I went home and read where having 39% of your kidneys working fit on the scale of kidney failure on the kidney.org website and called Marcy. She came over and we cried and talked till Sydney came home from a Suns game she was at. Syd and I cried some more.  The next day I was in shock yet. I wrote to a good friend of mine, telling her my crappy news, who said, “Satan would love to derail your plans, don’t let him”. That was good advice.

     So, for the last two weeks despite walking and working, I haven’t lost a pound, because what I lost in fat; I've gained in fluid retention, but that can’t go on forever right? The kidney specialist ran some initial tests and get this…he thinks I damaged my kidneys taking NSAIDS or ibuprohen for my back problems! If you skip any of this post, don’t skip this last part!

      All fall, I’ve have had horrible back problems, and was prescribed pain pills, but I didn’t want to get addicted to them, so I "made do" on ibuprohen. I’d take three to do any kind of work. When Kerry and I were on vacation I would take three sometimes twice a day, to handle all the sitting and maybe a pm one to sleep.  Never did I ever, think that would be bad for me. They have anti-inflammatory properties as well as pain relief I thought.

     As of now, I have discontinued two medications and of course, will probably never take another ibuprohen in my life! They will retest everything in three weeks and see if I can gain any function I lost back, or stop the deterioration at least.  I hope anyone reading this will take away three lessons I learned the hard way. 1)  Don’t be your own Dr.  2) Be careful with over the counter medication and 3) Don’t wait until the eleventh hour to start taking care of yourself in the first place. I wish I hadn’t.

     After two weeks of feeling sorry for myself, being mad at the situation and scared of what’s ahead, I decided the sparkle program goes on as planned. Like Shelbey said, “Full speed ahead”. What really makes me mad is I don't really have a choice now if i want to live longer and I like things to be my idea not a have to situation.

      I rode my horse yesterday for the first time… he’s either part donkey or the victim of a lot of pilot error before I got him, but at least he didn’t buck me off! The only casualty was Sydneys’ three toes. He stepped on her foot! All the other days she’s been there with me, she had flip flops on! I kept saying you need boots on in case he steps on you.  Once again I was right, and she was darn glad she had boots on yesterday!

      I’m eating right and walking 30 minutes. I will have to increase the 30 minutes if I don’t start going down on the scale anytime soon but I'm still gonna sparkle; still gonna shine, in spite of this new snafu. Like I said I hate snafu’s.  

    

What The Heck is Wrong With This World?

       Have you wondered why so many people have fallen away from going to church? Before I even attempted to write about this, I prayed that I not sound blasphemous or sacrilegious because that’s not my intention and I would not have survived without the strength I’ve gotten in my life from God’s word. You never bite the hand that feeds you and I'm not in any way. These thoughts are nothing more than my thoughts, not meant to be true for EVERYone who reads it.

       I grew up Lutheran, and I love the Lutheran hymns, liturgy and the main belief that no one can save themselves, it’s by grace alone that we are saved. Try as you may, there's nothing you could do, that would be enough to pay for what’s been done for us.

        As a child, I loved sitting in the, slippery, hard, blonde pews in Hope Lutheran Church, in Coulee, ND and watching Lillian play the piano as joyfully as the reverent hymns would allow. She hit a few clunkers along the way, but it was genuine and real. A handful of people were scattered as far away from the front row as they could get. Whenever a prayer was said, you could count on little Myrtle to be one word behind the rest of the congregation, every single Sunday! I attended that church until my Dad passed away forcing us to sit in the front row. I don’t think we ever went back.

        Mom, Kathy and I moved our membership to Our Savior’s Lutheran Church in Blaisdell, ND. We all liked the new church, because A. It was closer to home. B. We had Sunday school on Fridays after school, so that meant longer to sleep in on Sunday! And finally, C. Mom liked the ladies aid group there; they were her area life long farm friends and later, her honorary pallbearers when she passed away. Once a month they had "ladies aid" or ALCW and the ladies took turns leading bible study. Whoever served lunch that month always worked hard to have a huge meal which fed all the local people, the churched and unchurched alike. A meal was dropped off for anyone in town who couldn't make it to the church basement. The sick, the blind, the elderly or anyone "batching" (those living alone). That was about as genuine and caring for your own people as it gets. These women cooked hotdish, served buns, Jell-O and homemade bars every time community people got married, had an anniversary, or buried a friend. The Lutheran people were a stoic bunch, quiet about their faith. They would not think of intruding on someone elses faith or lack of it. You would never hear them going around asking others “Have you heard the word of the Lord today? No? Well, let me corner you and tell you about it"! People just weren't like that!  Back then the old Lutherans didn’t tell people, they showed people what it meant to be a Christian. The same could be said for love, they didn't tell you they loved you, they showed you but thats a whole other blog.

http://www.umc.org/rural/

       During my teen years, church wasn't as important to me.  I went to church because I had to. You couldn’t get confirmed and become an adult member of the church if you didn’t turn in so many sermon notes from Sunday’s services at three years of weekly confirmation class. In the front of my first Bible from my parents with my name engraved on the front, I actually had a picture of Elvis glued in the front cover. While the pastor was teaching confirmation class, I was dreaming about Elvis. What was the first commandment again? I must have missed that one! More than once I’d try the “I’m sick”, so I could stay home on Sundays, when really I was tired from being out too late on Saturday night but Mom wouldn’t buy it…EVER! The next best thing was to go, but try to sit behind one of the two huge poles in the center of the pew.  Then you could lean back, avoid eye contact with the pastor and be in your own little world while trying to grasp the highpoints of the sermon for my notes.

        I moved to Berthold, ND, and became a member of Zion Lutheran Church as a married Mom with kids of my own. This is when I first started to see the shift in thinking in some church people. When you have kids in Sunday school in a small town, you feel obliged to take your turn teaching Sunday school, bible school, ladies aid, doing artwork for the Christmas program, serving on the alter guild and of course, serving lunch for area occasions was part of being a member. It was there though when I became a little jaded about church and Christianity. I expected church people to be different I guess,  from the general population. The moral code of a church goer, let alone a minister should be ...well ok, not perfect but certainly trying to be. I didn’t expect the pastor to call confirmants “jackasses”, I didn’t expect every sermon to be about the pastors personal life and not in a uplifting way,  I didn’t expect the Sunday School superintendent to be one of the biggest gossips in town, I didn’t expect my church friends to take up against a school teacher for really no reason other than they didn't like him. Or probably the one that bugged me most, was the same people you worked beside at church would not acknowledge you if you ever ran into them outside of Berthold. That was absolutely crazy to me!  I knew too much, and I didn’t like what I knew, and it interferred with my abiltity to believe in the good of that congregation. Not all people there certainly, there were many nice, nice people. Just some of them were too glory seeking for my liking.  

       When we moved to Minot ND, I joined First Lutheran Church and went to church because I loved it again!  I liked what the minister had to say, how he said what he said, and how it applied to my life. Sometimes it was as if it was from his mouth, straight to my ears. I didn’t get involved in anything, I just attended church services. I didn’t want to let anything get in my way of my worship experience! 

        I’ve moved to Phoenix, and attend both a Lutheran church and a huge nondenominational mission. I don’t know too much about the mission yet, I just signed up for backstage but what I know, I love so far. They have groups that work with the homeless, groups that work with kids, groups that work with addictions.  I also love the Lutheran church, but you can love two right? When I want pomp and circumstance and the beloved hymns I grew up with, I go to the Lutheran church. If I want to rock out to a comtemporary band and a charged up sermon, I go to the mission. It's my relationship with God, no matter where I go, if I go at all. I'm convinced he loves me either way.

       Here comes the negative sounding part. I think a lot of Christians have and are turning people off these days. Those who profess Christianity the loudest and I even venture to say alot of times, rather than sometimes here,  have some of the worst behavior one could have. I have actually seen on Facebook, scripture and" F_____ my family and grandparents" maybe three or four status posts apart on the same persons page. And I have seen that several times and different people (not those words exactly but...)  I am tired of some Christians acting like they are the chosen ones, and not having the moral code to even start to back it up. That makes non church goers not real anxious to get involved with those hypocrites. Church malfunctions don’t just happen on TV, they happen every day in our own places of worship. Some of the most dishonest and mean people I know, profess to be Christians publicly all the time! You can say I’m judging others by saying this and maybe I am, but how can you form an opinion if you don’t take in what you see and apply it to your life.  I think there is much more to being Christian than asking others are you saved? If you aren’t saved,  you need to do this and this and this...cuz our interpretation is that you must be born again and that’s what that means. Hang on a second while I belittle someone, or brag about myself and my Christianity, my music, my money, my…my…my. Some people spout off about every church function they attend.   

      Shelbey has always liked this line referring to being a Christian because you attend church.  It goes,  “let’s all sleep in the garage tonight and in the morning we’ll all be cars”! How true that is!

        Do I always act like a Christian, certainly not!  I actually wonder many times if I should even call myself one because I have so many failures and shortcomings. I swear more than I wish I did, I don't treat my body as a temple ( I know your shocked at that one), and I love some pretty raunchy music for the artistic value of it and oh, so many more I could reveal. As much as Shelbey likes the car comparison, I like the fisherman’s prayer, look it up... it ends something like when I get to heaven I hope I will be "judged big enough to keep". 

        I prefer the old Lutheran humble way of keeping your faith to yourself. Reach out to people with a sincere heart, and an honest I want to help you, and my helping you helps me. When I go to church, my worship is between me and God. I visualize him to be like my father. I thank him for the things I he has given me, I ask him to guide me and guide my words and actions because when left to my own I fall on my face.  I ask him for what I think I need. Like any Father that has the wisdom of the big picture, sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no, and other times he says.... maybe later. He stands back and lets me struggle sometimes. Good fathers do that, knowing you will become stronger.  I want the people in my life to see that my heart is in the right place, even when I’m not perfect or even close to perfect. Not because im saying my heart is in the right place, but because they can see that for themselves.   

        In conclusion, I think if today’s Christians talked less and acted more, the doors would be over flowing at the churches. The whole world really needs a moral compass, if you ask me. Where do you learn that, if not from church?  

       Today I was exiting a boulevard, and a big white pickup truck was parked illegally out in the street. As I started to go around him in the pouring rain, he started opening his door to get out which could have hit my car, or I could have taken his door off for him. I touched my horn,  barely squeaking out a beep as to not startle him but let him know I was there and drove on to the stop sign. I was shocked to see him running up  behind my car, and violently start banging on my window with both hands like he was wildly playing bongo drums! I wound down the window ( which everyone thinks I was nuts to do, but I didn't think). He called me a bitch, ask me why I beeped at him when he was just sitting  there with his wife and kids!  I calmly said, "I didn’t want to bang your door or have you step out in front of me. I didn’t figure that would be good for either of us". He screamed,  "mind your own f__king business"!  Shelbey and I were shell shocked! He was parked illegally, and I was trying to protect both our cars, and he ran me down?  Shelbey said, “Wow, I feel sorry for those kids in the car watching this"! We were both shaken and upset, but after talking about it five minutes or so I said. “Ok, he is NOT going to ruin our day, no more talk about it", and she agreed. 

       Tonight, I was prompted to write about what can be done in a world that seems so out of control. This seems to be a world where Christians are all talk, and not a lot of action that isn’t self-glorifying. Everyone is over the top angry, and the rest of us are scared of them.  What has happened to people? What has happened to the old Christians I knew? I miss them. Will the real Christians stand up? No, better yet… stay seated and do your best work. Like the song goes,” they will know we are Christians by our love, by our love, they will know we are Christians by our love”.

       This link below is my favorite Lutheran hymn...It tells  that God is there through all the stages of your life. Your birth, the the times you fall back, your middle age and finally your death.      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEJFNbwoKZg