Be Careful What You Promise

       This post is a sad one for me and my family. As many of my Berthold friends especially remember, my Mom was with me almost all the time. She lost our Dad when she was only 48, so her kids and grandkids really became her life! She loved to cheer Brendons tball, baseball, basketball and football teams on over the years. She never missed any games Shelbey cheered at or any of her music concerts in high school or college. Sydneys dance recitals, pagents and talent shows all had Mom sitting proudly right beside me. She just loved being part of our family. Not just my family, but all of our families (she took turns).

            Blowing out her cake with Brendon watching

      When Mom passed away from Alzheimers Disease, I really wanted to be able to give her Eulogy even though I have panic sometimes. I really wanted to be able to tell everyone how blessed we had been.  I had written a paper shortly before for an English class, titled My Greatest Blessing - so I added what Marcy Kathy and Sonnys kids wanted to say to that, and managed to read it at her funeral and stay in one piece too. I'm going to share it on this blog because sometime I'm going to bind all these blogs for the kids and this is something I want them to remember. Its not a sparkle or shine uplifting post so you may want to skip this one, it but its what I wrote and read at my Mothers funeral.

         Grief is a funny thing, I hardly spoke of her or cried about it or anything thing for a long time. Shelbey used to say Mom, I think something is weird about that....but I had promised Mom in a lucid (well I thought I was) conversation with her that I would be ok. I was the fragile child, the nervous one who she had to mother the most. I told her one day that I would be ok, that all of us kids would be ok somehow with our families to help us through it, and she should worry about her. So I think i felt obligated to be ok, cuz I promiced I would. At first I kept busy with Brendon's surgury and Shelbeys wedding, but then once I got to Phoenix and was dealing with what happened to Sydney, and peoples opinions about where I should or shouldnt be, I just shut down. I would sit on the computer and travel the information highway all day every day just going from subject to subject. Or I would play my Ipod in my ears even while I was on the computer.  I did that for about four years; I never paid the bills, I never answered the phone. Then the dam burst and the floods came! Inside I felt like that tusunami looks these days on tv. I felt like i was broken and battered and in ruins. Any little thing overwhelmed me. I don't know how Sydney and Marcy put up with me somedays. 

       I got my sandbags out finally, and shored up my edges while I worked on my insides.  The water is calmer and the debri and ugly sludge I have from sitting here like a stump for so long is getting manageable. There's green poking out, signs of happiness and spring. 

       I'm not gonna lie that was probably the dumbest, impulsive, promise I ever made...and the hardest one I had to keep. But I know there is nothing Mom would want more, than me getting healthier... she hated that I was overweight all my life. She would want me to be happy and take life as it comes...you don't have to be fearless you just have to keep going. She did that well and I can too.

       My Mom passed away March 14,2003. I wanted you to know my Mom if you didnt; or remember her with a pleasant smile if you did.