What does long marriage look like at the end of your life? Is it a movie version? You know, a male and a female hobbling along, hand in hand, stopping for a lil peck, and then gingerly sitting down a park bench, he holding the umbrella over her and watching the sunset? Or in reality is it more like watching all star wrestlering? They share a ring, one in each corner venturing out to exchange some harsh words (hopefully no punches), but then retreat and get patched up for the next one! For me, the scene around here is somewhere in between those two with some moments of each.
I am a type A and move at a “hurry up, lets go pace”. Kerry is notorious around here for sitting at the table, until all of us are loaded in the car before he comes out last, and in the eleventh hour, pops the hood on the car to check the oil! My hair is starting to fry just thinking about it! Finally were off, almost late now. Once we get to our destination, I hop out and try to lock the doors, just as his first foot is landing on the pavement to get out. I used to stand and wait at the front of the car feeling bugged and not hiding that fact either.
Kerry on the other hand is not exactly laid back, either. He likes to control little things, like if the little lock in the center of the door knob. In his world that little knob should be pointing to 12 o'clock, so you can see from a distance that the door is locked, without having to walk over to check. Also, all two way switches have to be in the proper off/on position. My thoughts on that are pretty simple. I don’t have time for that bs. If the door is locked that's good enough, I have bigger fish to fry. In a nut shell, we are both control freaks can you tell?
So, what works for us here is we run parallel most of the time. He stays in his lane, and me in mine. If he wants those switches, he can make that happen. Same story, with the door lock. The oil thing has become a thing of the past, thank you God, because our car is newer and is fine from oil change to oil change these days. When we get to a restaurant, I still hop out, and his foot still is hitting the pavement but I leave him to lock it and I march in and get a table and he comes at his own pace, that way I’m not bugging him by standing there, hair obviously on fire, and he can take his time. I more than likely have a drink by the time he comes in.
So we are somewhat like both of the opening scenarios- we enjoy watching the kids in the backyard, talking about them, the day, the upcoming week. Talk about what a nice job Ramon did etc. Then again we might snap each others heads off, faster then eating a crawfish and then retreat like the wrestlers, only to come back in a half hour like it never happened. Never mentioned again. By now we know nobody is going to do any major changing so might as well save your breath.
The real security of our long marriage is, he knows I will bring him coffee every morning while he’s still in bed and I know if I am sick he will cover for me. By that I mean we can count on each other. Is it perfect? No. But I hope in the end our kids will see that it takes compromise, commitment and basically a determination that we ARE staying together because if we don’t one of us would be missing this precious time with the kids and grandkids and that’s the currency that’s important to both of us.
There are ways around being very different people. Who knows the real person when you are 18 and 20? It's all about chemistry then, and we all change with life. One of my favorite things about Kerry is he has always allowed me to be me, and do what I want. And I am forever grateful he went to work on the railroad with its horrendous hours and we farmed besides, while I was Mom first, and did lots of other jobs that only ‘fit with being home with the kids. I believe that’s why we have adults that we are proud of today, because we invested more time than money in them and they know they are our number one priority.
There are ways around being very different people. Who knows the real person when you are 18 and 20? It's all about chemistry then, and we all change with life. One of my favorite things about Kerry is he has always allowed me to be me, and do what I want. And I am forever grateful he went to work on the railroad with its horrendous hours and we farmed besides, while I was Mom first, and did lots of other jobs that only ‘fit with being home with the kids. I believe that’s why we have adults that we are proud of today, because we invested more time than money in them and they know they are our number one priority.
So, I encourage you not to compare your long marriage with anyone else’s. No two people are the same. If you look up “perfect long marriages” on google, you won’t see Kerry and Pam Picek that’s for sure! But there are lots of ways to love and support each other but I hope the kids will think of us sliding into home plate one day together, dirty, bruised, broke a few rules, but hey ...we made like we promised we would in 1973. (Now watch… divorce papers filed next week ha…then I’ll have a new topic won’t I?)
